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Yasmin in the rain
D | Wednesday, August 31, 2005
So I have been really confused by this commercial for a new birth control pill, Yasmin. Has anyone else seen this commercial? A girl and her boyfriend walking together under and umbrella in a rain storm. He sees another girl without an umbrella and selflessly gives their umbrella to her. Yes, you read that right, he gives up his and his girlfriend's umbrella to another woman. The girlfriend seems OK with the fact that her boyfriend gave their umbrella to some random woman. The couple then frolic happily in the rain (possibly enjoying the bliss that comes from a functional birth control pill...?).
I just don't know what this ad is trying to tell me (probably nothing since I am not the intended audience). Are more men supposed to take away things from their girlfriends and give them to less fortunate and less meteorologicaly aware females? Or are we just supposed to recognize that he is a gentleman, and like this new birth control, a rare and special find? Does this ad make women want to try this product in hopes of finding a man who will forfeit your umbrella? What? I have to say, I've been with a lot of girlfriends in the rain, and not one of them would be happy if I gave away our umbrella to another girl.
"Hey honey, why don't we get wet for the benefit of a total stranger?"
"Wow, you're such a great guy. OK. I love getting rained on in my brand new really expensive summer dress."
Can someone explain this to me?
D | 8/31/2005 12:24:00 PM
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I don't give a damn
D | Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Now that's an odd saying. I mean, you don't typically hear people running around saying, "I do give a damn," unless it is in response to someone accusing them of not giving a damn. So I got to thinking about this, and in honor of such an odd saying, I compiled of list of the top things I would do if I actually gave a damn. Here we go...
The Top Ten Things I Would Do If I Actually "Gave A Damn"
Number 10. Iron - I think that pretty much everything looks better if you iron it before you wear it. Having said that, I do own an iron (two actually) but do not own an ironing board. So that pretty much takes care of that.
Number 9. Clean - My house is a wreck right now. And its not that I want things to look nice if someone comes over, but I think I might be coming up on health code violations.
Number 8. Fold - This goes hand in hand with ironing and basically boils down to maximizing energy expenditures. There is no way I am going to fold my socks only to mess them up when I put them on again - just throw the clean ones in one pile and the dirty ones in another pile. Done.
Number 7. Answer Email Responses, Round Two - I know you've been holding out for Teen Girl Squad XXVI, but yeah, sorry Brad, this may never come true.
Number 6. Cook - I ask, what is wrong with TV dinners? When I get home from work the last thing I want to do is slave over a hot stove to cook some dinner for an ungrateful bum. The least you could do is help set the table, but no, you're too busy sitting in front of the TV reading your damn newspaper. And you never tell me I'm pretty anymore...
Number 5. Loose 10lbs - Its true, I've become every woman I've ever known. But listen to these real life examples - 1. My friend at work: Have you gotten shorter since I last saw you? 2. My Grandma: You've filled out nicely. Look at these love handles. 3. Me: Why does my head look so big in every picture I am in?
Number 4. Exercise - See above and add a healthy dose of laziness. When I can't see my feet, I will start to work out (that or when I don't have a woman in my life or when none of my clothes fit anymore (which is probably about two weeks from now)).
Number 3. Wake up on time - You know that old saying: What we have here is a failure to communicate. That's me and my alarm clock. And my cel phone alarm. And often my Ashley alarm. Mornings and I have never seen eye to eye and its because I just don't give a damn about "the AM." I'm totally down with PM - we're dope. But AM is always all up in my grill, and I'm always like, shut up girlfriend and get out of my face, but its all buzzing and sun shinning and I'm like, I am trying to sleep so why don't you just back up off me bi-otch (pronounced bee-ott-ch).
Number 2. Get a haircut - If I didn't care about how my hair looked at the beginning of the summer when I was self-buzzing my head every week or two, God, I'd hate to describe how little I care about whatever shaggerific monstrosity rests upon my head now. Yikes.
Number 1. Buy a kitchen table - I've lived in this house for almost six months and I have a dining room with a desk in one corner and my golf clubs in the other. Is $150 bucks for a table and four chair too much to ask? You bet your ass it is, and I'll tell you why. Its not that I don't want a table (to put all my crap on) - its that I don't want to have to figure out to transport a table 1. to my house and 2. to wherever I move next, all in the back of my Eclipse. I'm better off spending my $150 on booze and women (both very easy... to transport).
If you know me and see something here that I have failed to mention, please feel free to make as much fun of me as you would like via a humorous comment.
D | 8/30/2005 11:33:00 PM
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Holiday Update
D | Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Not too much to report from sunny Sandestin. The first day I was here I went to the beach for the majority of the day only to fry the hell out of my entire body and get stung by a jellyfish. So these last few days I've been taking it easy - WW, TNG on TNN (now Spike TV), pool time, reading, dinner out, Monday night football, and general relaxation. No complaints for me. I also went and saw Red Eye, Rachel McAdam's most recent project. Typically I don't like scary thriller Wes Craven type movies, but this one wasn't very scary and had a functional (if full of holes) plot. But who am I kidding, I went for Rachel. She was hot and kicked the Scarecrow's ass, so my $7 was well spent.
In completely unrelated news, I might be the only person who didn't already know this, but when the space shuttle lands in California or Texas as opposed to The Kennedy Space Center, they transport the shuttle back to Florida on the back of a 747. I don't know why, but when I saw video of this I was totally amazed. Why I thought they would just put it on the back of a truck (what kind of truck and on what kind of road I suppose only goes to prove how dumb this idea was) is beyond me, but that is what I thought. Anyway, check out some of these pictures from NASA. Stuff like this just blows my mind.
D | 8/24/2005 07:42:00 PM
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Holiday
D | Sunday, August 21, 2005
Because I'm not Biritish, but sometimes would like to, I'm calling my vacation, "my holiday." What are you doing this week Derek (you ask)? Jolly good question (I respond) - I'm on Holiday (with 'arry Potter (also done with my ridiculous British accent)). If anyone would like to join me in FL this week, please feel free. I will be here Today-Friday. Call the cell or drop me an email and I'll come pick you up at the Pensicola Airport. I, myself, drove here. Driving gives you lots of time to listen to music. Some favorites from the past two days:
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Save a Horse, Big and Rich
Well I'm running down the road trying to loosen my load, got a world of trouble my mind.
Lookin' for a lover who won't blow my cover, she's so hard to find.
Take it Easy, The Eagles
Awww, cannot get your ship out.
Star Wars; The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda
In other news, living on a golf course has serious advantages. In about 30 minutes, I played 6 holes of golf for free (7 and 8, three times). Granted I am playing with clubs that aren't mine and are much too short for me causing me to shank ever ball off the toe of the club into the woods, I lost three balls (one in what can only be described as a "swamp"), I didn't have a putter and so putted with a 3 iron, and I didn't successfully complete any one hole with the same ball I started it with - but hey, it was free. Tomorrow I am going to the beach (also free).
D | 8/21/2005 12:39:00 AM
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Words
D | Thursday, August 18, 2005
There are a bunch of words which I hear on a semi-regular basic which concern me. Here is my current list:
speciality - (should be specialty) Used in Episode III by Obi-Wan, "Sith lords are our speciality." When I first heard this, I thought it was not a real word. So I looked it up.
moe - (as in moron) This slang term is used by the father of someone who will remain nameless. It is just too funny. Everyone is a "moe." This person is a moe. That person is a moe. You are a moe.
comparable - (as in comprable) This just bothers me. I heard this on the radio and again thought it was not a word. Turns out (says Todd) that people have just shortened the real word, comparable, to comprable. I like mine better.
asshat - (as in a hat for your ass) This is just funny. I call everyone this, "You're such an asshat."
hypothecate - (as in hypothesize) This is just wrong. Wrong*. Your theories about something are not hypothecations. They are hypotheses. Also, you are not a hypothecator. To hypothecate is to pledge collateral against some sort of loan obligation. I learned this word in Property class (surprising, I know). If you are giving me your opinion on something, you are hypothesizing.
read - (as in red or reed) Say this out loud: "I red Huck Finn and my brother is reeding it now." Read and read is the same as red and reed. That is not OK with me.
*Dictionary.com does show hypothecate as a synonm for hypothesize according to WorldNet 2.0
D | 8/18/2005 09:34:00 AM
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NYC Blackout 2003
D | Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Thanks to Brendan for reminding my that Sunday was the two year anniversary of the NYC Blackout (his postings here).
I too was in New York City for the monumental occasion, and like Brendan, I found the experience somewhat "cool." Annoying, but "cool" nonetheless. Many might not know this, but August 15th, 2003 was the day I was scheduled to move in to The New Yorker Hotel (my home for the next 9 months). And since there was no power, there was no lights, no AC, no elevators up to the 27th floor. When I showed up at the hotel that morning there were hundreds of people sleeping in the lobby. The whole thing was crazy.
I can remember on the night of the 14th, when there was no power and it was about 98 degrees, everyone just went out side. I was staying at a hostel on 28th and 8th, so just like everyone else in Midtown, hundreds of us went over the the Post Office and just sat outside looking at the darkened facade of MSG and waiting. Waiting for the power to come back on. I needed some money to eat, but couldn't get $ because all the ATMs were down. Also Midtown Manhattan was one of the longest affected areas (believe it or not, power came on from a N to S direction and a S to N direction starting at either end of the island and leaving Midtown in the dark the longest.)
D | 8/16/2005 10:55:00 AM
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Yahoo! indexed at 20B
D | Thursday, August 11, 2005
Yahoo? Post hoc, ergo propter hoc? Possibly...
BARTLET
C.J., on your tombstone, it's gonna read, "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc."
C.J.
Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.
BARTLET
Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know "post hoc, ergo propter hoc?" Josh?
JOSH
Uh, uh, post, after, after hoc, ergo, therefore, after hoc, therefore, something else hoc.
BARTLET
Thank you. Next?
JOSH
Uh, if I'd gotten more credit on the 443...
BARTLET
Leo?
LEO
After it, therefore because of it.
BARTLET
After it, therefore because of it. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other, but it's not always true. In fact, it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?
C.J.
When you learned to speak Latin?
BARTLET
Go figure.
Now that you've read that, totally disregard it. Below are two events. Its not like I'm saying these two events are in any way related, but hey, you never know. Post hoc, ergo propter hoc?
Today:
1. Yahoo! declared itself the largest searchable index on the web, 20 BILLION pages (news 1, news2, Yahoo! announcement)
2. Yahoo! stock jumped $.75 or 2.19%
Indeed, the move was probably related to Yahoo's announcement it was purchasing a large chunk of a Chinese web company, but whatever. I am a huge Yahoo! fan and have been for the longest time, so I am totally happy about this news. This website is even hosted through Yahoo! - they my online-do-it-all search engine of choice. With that, I would just like to say good for me for buying some Yahoo! stock earlier this week.
D | 8/11/2005 09:41:00 PM
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Bridge on the River Kenobi
D
So my treking towards all 100 of the AFI 100 continued this week with Bridge on the River Kwai.
I have to say, I really enjoyed this film. I've been watching these films for a few weeks now and typically the films are "OK." But this one I really liked. The plot was interesting, the characters were engaging, and although it took a little while to get moving, the whole thing was well constructed. As the British Colonel, Mr. Proper Manners, Alec Guinness really makes this movie for me. There were a few points that truly echoed some of the sentiments his characters expressed in Star Wars and Lawrence of Arabia. If I wasn't already, I think I am becoming a huge Alec Guinness fan. Next on the list are All About Eve, Raging Bull, and Sunset Blvd.
For everyone bored at work, give this game a try. You are a student trying to cheat and you have to avoid getting "caught" by the teacher. Oh highschool.
D | 8/11/2005 02:12:00 PM
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Fixing my wardrobe?
D | Wednesday, August 10, 2005
How cool would I look wearing this shirt? (site NSFW)
How about this one?
No? Too witty? How about this one?
These last few are from BustedTees.com (SFW, depending on where you work and if you care what anyone in the office thinks of you). For good measure, here are my other two favorites: Cowbell and Olsens (this one took me a minute to get). This one is for Alex, this one for Brad, this one is for my brother, this one for Ashley, and finally, a shout out to my friend Jim (who is marrying a lovely and wonderful woman this Friday).
And just for good measure, here's a funny Star Wars picture from DailyHaHa.com (site NSFW)
D | 8/10/2005 12:37:00 AM
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Its finally mine
D
Yes indeed. I know am the official owner of the PDTSHVL Ohio vanity plate. Also, I consider today the offical date of ownership for my new car. Those of you who do not know, I am now driving a 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse, V6, 5 speed rocketship. Its an awesome car and I love driving it (much too fast)
Purchasing the car, getting the title, and registering the vehicle was a whole 'nother can of worms that sucked ass.
The Readers Digest Version (if you can believe that): I purchased the car from a guy living in KY who was leasing the vehicle. This meant he did not have "clear title" until he paid off the lease (which he required my money to do). Then he had to get the title from the leasing agency in the dealership's name. Then they had to signed it over to him. Then he had to register the vehicle in his name and pay sales taxes on the vehicle. Then he had to get his own KY title. Then he had to sign it over to me. Then I had to get an Ohio title. Then I had to get it inspected and E-checked (a waste of time). Then I had to get my own temp tag so I could order PDTSHVL. Thirteen million trips to the BMV later, I now know not to a) buy a car from an out of state resident b) buy a car from someone who does not already have clear title. For those of you who are curious, the picture below includes: 1 PTDSHVL permanent tag, 1 insurance card, 2 registrations, 1 Ohio title, 1 E-Check certificate, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Two months after I bought the car, I own the car.
D | 8/08/2005 08:08:00 PM
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Damn Canadians
D
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadian Coastguard, off the coast of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
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Canadian Coastguard: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
Canadian Coastguard: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Naval ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadian Coastguard: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER "USS LINCOLN", THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadian Coastguard: We're a lighthouse. Your call.
D | 8/08/2005 02:12:00 PM
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I'm threatened by Jessica Simpson
D | Friday, August 05, 2005
So I read this article today on CNN discussing flirting at work. Apparently, flirting gets you no where in the business world (but I would argue that the type of person who actively flirts at work is the type of person who isn't going to go anywhere and the flirting has little to do with their lack of promotion).
Then someone brings up The Dukes of Hazzard movie coming out today, and we start talking about Jessica Simpson. Of course, she is an attractive woman and our conversation began with seeing her in a pink bikini in the movie, but it quickly moved to her intelligence, or lack thereof. One of my colleagues espoused that she is probably smarter than she looks, to which I asked why? He believes she is playing the "dumb card" to increase viewership for her show. At this point I suggested that to play the dumb card she would have to a) be smart enough to recognize she was not in fact dumb b) this was a strategy which would help her and c) she would actively have to act unintelligent. Save point C, I didn't feel like this was anywhere close to reality in Jessica Simpson land.
But another classmate did point out that she still had way more money than any of us (to which I agreed). Although I agreed she was attractive and musically talented, I responded that intelligence is often times entirely unrelated to wealth. At this point, it was suggested that my attacks on her intelligence were because I was threatened by her. Not wanting to go crazy, that was when I stopped talking...
Why is it that when a man says something negative about a woman he is accused of being threatened or sexist? But a woman says something negative about a man and she is standing up for her rights? I get in trouble for voicing a negative opinion and a woman gets championed for defending civil liberties. Admittedly, we were all playing the stereotyping game. Furthermore my views on inequality and discrimination are way out in left field, but I feel like there might be a valuable issue here. Woman are still making approximately .75 on every dollar a man makes (how do they calculate that figure anyway?) - and I think that is terrible and unfair. But we can all agree that there are these never-ending gender stereotypes in our society AND although this is one that I would like to change, some of them are ones I would like to keep.
Men should stand up when a woman leaves the table, men should hold doors open, and men should help a woman put on her coat. Just to eliminate the first few comments - yes, men should hold the door open for other men (its courtesy) and yes, I've had women hold the door open for me (its not like I flip out) and yes, sometimes women don't want my help putting their coat on (and if they ask me, I'll leave them alone). But still, these are things that have been worked into my subconscious over time and I don't think they are bad. They are the proper way to behave. And I'm not trying to be condescending or sexist or whatever - I'm trying to be a nice guy (rare, I know, but it does happen).
So I guess, all I am asking for is equal treatment when it comes to me bashing Jessica Simpson. Let me hold the door open for you, but let me say what I have to say too. My opinions are just as valid as yours and simply because I am not the repressed party I do not waive my right to be able to speak my mind (even about things which bother you). We need more discussion of important issues in this country without name calling and stereotyping. Let's talk more, not speculate as to the gender biased motivations.
And I'm getting down off my soapbox. For now.
D | 8/05/2005 11:57:00 AM
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6-0, 6-1
D | Wednesday, August 03, 2005
And I just got schooled in tennis. Andy, my ex-Marine-Jeep-driving-smashingly-good-karaoke-rendition-of-Wilson Phillips-Hold On friend, just kicked my ass. That was pitiful. I maintain my game was ruined by all the hotties that kept running by the court, but that's probably only partially to blame (name the song: "Some people claim that there's a woman to blame; But I know, its my own damn fault").
In other news, yesterday's Quote of the Day was pretty funny. Mutual funds typically publish their assets allocation in their prospectus or online. A typical assets allocation may look like this: Equities 78%
Bonds 11%
Cash 5%
Other 6%
In class we were discussing funds and someone asked, "What does 'Other' include?" Our teacher replied with, "Anything that the fund manager invests in, that doesn't fall into one of those listed categories."
One of the guys in my class goes, "Baseball cards."
D | 8/03/2005 07:41:00 PM
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Un-jamming the traffic
D | Tuesday, August 02, 2005
I love to drive. I hate stupid people. Thus, I hate stupid drivers even more.
-Who are these people who sit in the right lane with their right turn signal on for mile after mile after mile? Where do you think you're going? Do you not realize its on or are you alerting other drivers that you might veer off the road at any moment?
-Who are these people who think going 15 mph below the speed limit is acceptable? Is there a recognized phobia of speed and if so, should these folks really be getting behind the wheel? Are you really old or is your car broken in some sort of anti-speed fashion?
-Who are these people who can't understand the concept of "merging"? Is it that difficult to simply wait for your turn? Do you really think the best way to get on the highway is to a complete stop and then floor it when a spot opens?
-Who are these people who are oblivious to everything going on outside their four little walls? Does speaking on your cel entirely inhibit all proper brain function? Why is it that you cannot speak and drive simultaneously?
These are just a few of my concerns. There are many many more (feel free to list your concerns in a comment) But fear not, I am not one to complain with proposing some solutions (well, yes, I am, but just not this time). I propose the following as the first draft of the
Walden Driving Reform Bill
130th Congress
1st Session
S.85
IN THE SENATE OF THE UNITED STATES
February 19th, 2026
Mr. WALDEN introduced the following bill; which was read twice and passed to the appropriate committee
A BILL
To improve the quality of automotive transportation for of all Americans by amending or creating Federal automotive legislation. Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled.
SECTION 1. TITLE
The Walden Driving Reform Bill
SECTION 2. RULES
To be implemented:
#1. Drivers license IQ requirements - True or False: Some people are too stupid to be permitted to drive. If you said False, we are taking away your license.
#2. Remedial Driver's Ed classes - Lawyers have CLE requirements. Teachers have CEUs. Stockbrokers have something (I'm sure they will make me do soon). Almost all licensed professions require the licensee to "re-certify" themselves on a regular basis. So I say Yes to Drivers License recertification which shall only be demonstrated by a) passing a written test AND b) passing an "in-car" test. You fail, they take away your license forever but we provide some Federal tax break for buying a bus pass.
#3. Computer controlled highways/interstates - I am not a huge fan of computers driving my car (because that removes me from the equation, and I like to drive) but I would sacrifice some autonomy for the betterment of all those people who suck at driving and ruin a perfectly good idea - the interstate. A computer in every car could regulate speed, merging, entering and exiting, and even network into a system to monitor traffic, weather, and closures - all while minimizing travel time and accidents. Other than the interstate, I would like to retain control of my vehicle.
[As a particularly in-depth side comment/complaint not to be included in the bill, but in my floor speech: My Congressional brethren, I am almost sorry to have to enact such legislation, but the situation with our highways and interstates have gotten out of control. I don't understand why a properly designed highway should EVER have stopped traffic, save an accident that blocks multiple lanes. If you see an upcoming On Ramp, you MOVE OVER one lane to let the new people get on. You are getting on the highway, you NEVER EVER slow down. Simply match speeds and merge. You are in the fast lane, NEVER EVER slow down EVER. Do not look at other crashed cars or butterflies or anything other than the road, the car ahead of you, and possibly your speedometer to determine if you are meeting my minimum speed requirements. Unless there is an accident, simple traffic or congestion should theoretically (and I say, in reality too) never slow the flow of cars on an interstate. Why are these simple rules so hard for American drivers to follow? I don't know. But I do know that this bill, once passed, will bring a renewed sense of joy and a heightened level of safety to our national roadways. Thank you.]
D | 8/02/2005 06:37:00 PM
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DJW Index
D
This post over at Ruvym's site made me want to develop my own index of Derek-dom. Count your points (out of 20) and post a quick comment to let me know how you scored on the DJW Index.
1. If you've ever skipped work to have sex, you're a Wald Man.
2. If you've ever hiked over a mountain just because it was there, you're a Wald Man.
3. If you think cereal is an acceptable meal for any time of the day, you're a Wald Man.
4. If you've ever worn Teva or "sport sandals," you're a Wald Man.
5. If you call your waitress by her first name, you're a Wald Man.
6. If you argue about issues you care nothing about for the sole sake of arguing, you're a Wald Man.
7. If you make it a point to know what cardinal direction you're facing, you're a Wald Man.
8. If you've ever had poison ivy "where the sun don't shine," you're a Wald Man.
9. If you think coffee tastes best when it taste like chocolate, you're a Wald Man.
10. If you're the guy who does the thing, you're a Wald Man.
11. If you think "speed limits" are more like "suggested acceleration guidelines," you're a Wald Man.
12. If you refuse to read Little Women, you're a Wald Man.
13. (Stolen) If you've ever stayed up till 4AM playing video games, you're a Wald Man.
14. If your TV system has surround sound, you're a Wald Man.
15. If a you know the skills required to properly shape a baseball cap, you're a Wald Man.
16. If you know how to tie more than three functional knots, you're a Wald Man.
17. If you think the Philippines were once a British protectorate, you're a Wald Man.
18. If can hum the melody to three (or more) John Williams themes, you're a Wald Man.
19. If you've had the same wallet for more than 5 years, you're a Wald Man.
20. If you regularly post to a blog only you and your friends read, you're a Wald Man.
D | 8/01/2005 01:11:00 PM
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