 |
|
|
|
Out of the woodwork Senator problem
D | Tuesday, May 31, 2005
I think I might have a beef with West Wing - the show has "The red shirt officer" problem. For those of you not Star Trek fans, whenever Captain Kirk/Picard would send down an "away team" four people would beam down to the surface/ship/unidentified object. Depending on the series, it was Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and one other guy OR Riker, Data/Jordi, Worf, and one other guy. This mysterious other guy was destined to die. No doubt about about it. If anyone draws phasers and starts shooting, the fourth red shirt officer always dies. He's a throw-away character who adds gravity to the situation by dying without forcing the public to actually lose any character we care about. Fifty percent of the time, we don't even know this guy's name. How sad...
Anyhow, after watching 12 straight hours, I think West Wing has fallen victim to a similar problem. I'm going to call it "The out-of-the-woodwork Senator" problem. Granted Congress is a big place with 500+ individuals in a constantly revolving door, but there are only a few repeated congressional characters in the entire series. Sorkin, like Rodenberry, just invents someone to push the plot forward for one or two scenes and then (mercilessly) kills them off.
I'm a gay senator who is a Republican and you will never see me again. I am a young Democrat Congressman from Texas and you will never see me again. I proposed a higher gas tax, I'm worried about military base closings, I'm tying up precinct captains in Iowa, I'm the head of Senate Judiciary - and you will never see any of us ever again. If Donna doesn't start a romantic relationship with us (and sometimes even if she does), we are doomed. This makes me sad. There is probably a section of the Warner Bros backlot where they toss the "used" Senators. But where's the continuity in the series? Bring back Senator Texas or Gay Republican or Gas Tax Wench. Bah. I could do it better...
EXT: Capitol Building, Washington DC, night
Riker, Data, Worf, and Senator Smith beam down from the Enterprise to to the front steps of the Capitol Building in order to investigate some Medicare reform laws, when suddenly...
RIKER:
Oh no, left-wing Klingons.
DATA:
Watch out Senator Smith. They are behind you.
SEN. SMITH (R - FL):
No, I have to talk about a school voucher pilot program for students of....aagggghhhh.
A phaser shot hits Senator Smith square in the chest. He falls to the ground, but Worf and Data are able to blast the remaining Klingons.
RIKER:
Let's get out of here. (taps his communicator) Three to beam up. We lost Senator Smith to those crazy farm-subsidy-net Klingon bastards...
WORF: Damn those guys who do the thing.
D | 5/31/2005 04:58:00 PM
| 16 comments |  Post your comment
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sick, etc
D | Sunday, May 29, 2005
A few quick notes:
-I've been sick since about Thursday night/Friday morning when Alex and I decided to stay up all night writing our review of Star Wars (which has yet to be posted, but check out Hobi-Wan Kenobi) and then just not sleep, but instead go play golf. Ever since then, I don't sleep more than 30 minutes at a time and I get really hot and then really cold (currently, at work, I am freezing). Oh, and I have no appetite for anything. Correction, I drank some pink lemonade for dinner.
Donations to the Derek Walden Get Well Soon Fund can be made cash/credit/check c/o: Derek Walden, 4214 Eileen Dr, Cincinnati, OH. Thanks!
UPDATE 9:08PM: 2 hours later, I am sitting at my desk sweating. This blows.
-I was sent this by a college at work, and although we all agree it is fake, that doesn't diminish the humor value. Article quote, "Sihamoni takes great pride in the league he helped create, as was conveyed in his recent advertising campaign for the CMFL that stated his midgets will '... take on anything; man, beast, or machine.'" Ha ha ha.
-I spent Saturday shopping for a new car with my dad. I'll keep you posted if I get something, but so far my only real revelation is this - I am a real bitch. I had a monthly payment number in mind and when their best monthly payment number was 8 dollars more, I turned them down. Can I really not set aside an extra 8 bucks a month? Who knows, but I am certainly a jerk-nut.
-Everyone should take a moment to post some encouraging words to Ter as she debates whether to continue blogging. Tell her we love her wild and scatterbrained post about her life. Keep fighting the good fight Ter, we all love you and your blog.
That's it. I hope everyone enjoys there Memorial Day.
D | 5/29/2005 06:55:00 PM
| 3 comments | Post your comment
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Bear Story
D | Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Much like the Star Wars 1997 Re-release, I am happy to bring one of my favorite adventure stories to a whole new audience. Like Lucas, I was able to find an original copy of my letter which I wrote to my family and friends from Philmont during the summer of 2000 and polish it up (I've cleaned up the original print, dubbed the sound in digital THX, and re-worked the Greedo blaster scene to have Han fire first (seriously, I made only minor grammatical changes)).
For those needing a little background - I spent two summers working at Philmont Boy Scout Ranch in Cimarron, New Mexico. The ranch is 130,000 acres of "scouting paradise" held together by a network of staffed camps (like Clark's Fork where I worked) that participant's hike to and from over the course of 11 days on the trail. Questions? Send me an email or post a comment.
Without further ado, I am happy to present Derek and The Bear.
----------------------
Derek and The Bear
Early one morning I am resting peacefully in my tent, fast asleep. My tent-mate, Jeff, is gone on his days off, so it is only me in our tent. I am having a nice peaceful dream of which I can't remember anything, save the fact that all of the sudden a figure in my dream bangs loudly on a nearby window and begins screaming. Now I have a natural reaction to wake up whenever anything bad happens in my dreams, so I wake up and kind of look around. I reach over and grab my alarm clock to discover it is 5:46 in the morning. Then I hear one of my fellow staff members, Mike, yelling, "Get out of here!!! Go on!!! Run!!! Get out of here!!!"
I knew it was a bear right off the bat. Typical Philmont staff procedure says we should make a lot of noise, throw rocks or sticks, and frighten the bear off. Most of you should know me well enough to know that I had absolutely no desire to get out of bed, so I assumed Mike would run the bear off without further incident. Then I heard Mike yell, "That's right, get up that tree. Oh no you don't. Stay up there. Go on."
These words meant Mike had successfully "tree-ed" the bear. This is done when a group of people force the bear (or in this case the bear under it's own free will) to climb a tree. Knowing that Mike would now need a great deal of assistance, I jumped out of bed, threw on some pants and shoes, and ran out of the tent. I ran towards the sound of Mike's voice, calling out to him so I could find him. He was about 100 feet up the trail that leads from our cabin to the wrangler bunk house, and about 50 feet off the trail itself. And not 15 feet off the ground, perched up in a thick branch, sat a 120 pound black bear. The bear was deep brown, verging on black, with a brown snout. I recognized the bear on first sight - not five days earlier I had run this bear off from our lookout point. (Inset story)
I was helping check in crews and had volunteered to take a crew up to our meadow campsites. About a 5 minute walk up the hill away from our cabin, we have a good-sized open high-grass meadow with 7 campsites around its edge. This particular crew was very nice and I always make it a point to talk to the crew as we hike up the hill to their campsite. Since the hill is pretty steep, I always take a break at the top (near our look out point, with a great view of Cimarron) and make sure we have all the advisors still with us. As the last advisor is coming up the trail a female advisor asks me about bears. We always go into depth during our porch talk about the huge bear problem we are having this year at Clark's.(Note: Record for bear sightings at any one staffed camp during the 3 month season: 56, Clark's Fork sightings in just over one month: 61; Record for bears captured at any one staffed camp during the 3 month season: 3, Clark's Fork bears captured in just over one month: 6) I can tell this advisor is very apprehensive about our bear situation, so I try to calm her fears by telling her, "Well, most of the bears we have seen here are down around the cabin and lower campsites, not up here in the meadow." Which is true, but the reason we don't see bears in the meadow is because the only reason we go up to the meadow is to drop off a crew at their campsite. Anyhow, we continue to their campsite and I drop them off and start heading back down the trail to our cabin. As I pass the look out point, not having left this same spot, three minutes before, there sits a black bear in the middle of the little clearing. I stare at it for about 5 seconds just in awe (probably because it took my brain a second or two to process what I should do, and also realize that I was totally alone). I then took "Of Mice and Men" out of my breast pocket and exchanged it for a rock on the ground, knowing that now I got to chase a bear. As soon as I started yelling, and launched my rock, the bear took off down the hill and I only really chased it for another 100 feet, yelling and screaming the whole way. The funny part of this story comes next, when I had to walk back up to that crew and tell that terrified advisor that I had just seen a bear. Mike and I went out 10 minutes after my sighting just doing a quick patrol through the meadow and seeing if the bear was still hanging around, but it was long gone. I wouldn't be surprised if that female advisor didn't get a wink of sleep that night. Absolutely terrified...
So back to our early morning adventure, I recognized the little guy right off the bat. He has a slightly lighter snout than the rest of his body and weights in at a pretty small 120 pounds. Mike and I kept yelling and throwing rocks trying to make sure the bear didn't come back down the tree and eat us. Our yelling eventually wakes up Thomas, Britney, and our Camp Director, Kevin. Kevin radios into to base, talking to our Bear Researchers and Bob Rickliffs. Bob is Unit 20 (this refers to the radio call numbers the big wigs are assigned, basically meaning that only 19 people have more pull on the ranch than Bob) and is typically the person you call when it becomes necessary to kill a bear. Kevin's newest bear deterrent toy is a fairly nice slingshot and 250 fifty caliber lead balls (about the size a dime). After a choice shot to the face, that bear came screaming down to the lowest branch and began growling and showing its teeth. But after continued hooting and hollering, we had the bear up higher and higher, till he eventually ran out of room to run. This continued till about 7AM, when Bob finally arrived with his riffle.
As it turns out, New Mexico Game and Fish had not given Bob permission to kill the bear, so he was only tranquilizing it. But upon arrival, the bear was nearly 80 feet up in the tree, way too high for Bob to get off a good shot. So we were instructed to get the bear to come down out of the tree. These instructions were carried out with a steady barrage of 50 cal lead balls that brought the bear closer and closer to the ground and yet increasingly mad. Returning to its original position about 15 feet off the ground, Bob picked up the rifle and we all cleared out to one side of the tree. Seeing this as an opportunity, the bear slides down the trunk and takes off running in the other direction.
Now, I forgot to mention, whenever Bob goes anywhere he always has to things with him: his stainless steel coffee cup (although nobody really thinks there is coffee in there) and his two dogs, Winter and July. When I grow up, I want dogs like this. They are beautifully trained cattle dogs that obey any of Bob's verbal command and upon his whistle will run full steam to the back of his truck and remain in the bed until instructed to get out.
So this bear hits the ground and is immediately being pursued by both dogs at a dead sprint. All three are gone in about 2 seconds and I assume all the hoopla is over. Boy was I wrong. After eating breakfast, Britney come into the cabin and says that the dogs have tree-ed the bear again. So her and I start hiking off to find the group again. Turns out the bears has run up another tree, this one a huge blue spruce, and now resides 100 feet off the ground. The same process basically occurs of trying to get the bear to come down by shooting 50 cal lead balls at it - until it is about 20 feet off the ground and Bob gets off a shot which misses as the bear jumps away. Bob repeats the procedure of filing his own tranquilizer dart (disturbing) and shooting at the bear, this shot sticking in a branch of the tree. The third shot finally hits its mark, right in the bear's butt. The sedative starts to take effect reasonably quickly. Typically, the bear climbs down the tree, tries to run, and kinda topples over. But not this bear - it goes up the tree. Way up the tree. Now, we all think the sedative will eventually cause the bear to fall out of the tree...but no. This bear falls asleep wedged between the branches and the trunk of this tree about 60 feet off the ground. We all kinda look at each other and go, "Well crap. What are we going to do now?"
One of the bear researchers, Josh (a big lanky self-proclaimed red neck dork), says he will climb up and get the bear down. The last thing he says before he starts to climb is, "I am afraid of heights." He last about 2 minutes and 6 feet before he decides the ground is a safer bet for him. So who gets to climb the tree? That's right, yours truly. So, I put on my gloves, clip a coil of rope to my belt, and began my way up.
I haven't yet decided the scariest part of this story for me. Maybe climbing 60 feet up a tree with no safety lines or tethers or rescue bags? Maybe having to come down the same 60 feet? Maybe pulling myself over a fork in the tree and having my head 2 feet from a bear's head? Maybe wondering how well Bob's homemade tranquilizers are working? Maybe poking the bear with my finger to see if it was still awake? Nobody really knows. Once I got up to the bear, I straddled a branch and sat on it so I could work with my hands. I first tried to get one of its paws loose so I could lower it down with the rope, but that was a no-go. It was all folded over in a big heap. So I yelled down and asked Bob what he wanted me to do next. He asked if I could push it. So I scooted over close to the bear and gave it a few pushes with my hand, trying to see how heavy it was and what the odds were that I could dislodge it from its 60 foot perch. I yelled down that I thought I could push it. Bob yelled back, "Ok, wait for us to move," and everyone on the ground cleared out. I counted to three out loud and then gave it as big as push as I could without pushing myself out of the tree. The bear kinda rolled off the limb and began crashing through branch after branch on its way to the ground. In case you are concerned, when you think bear falling in a blue spruce, think ornament falling in Christmas tree - there are a multitude of branches so that the bear's fall, although very quick and I am sure quite painful, did not permanently damage the bear. I yelled down, asking if it was dead. Bob responded that it wasn't dead and I should probably come on down. The bear was fine and still quite alive by the time I climbed all the way back down to the ground (after Bob made me retrieve his stray dart stuck in a branch).
By the time I got to the ground 4 people had already begun carrying the bear back to Bob's truck so we could put it into the bear trap. I took off running towards our cabin so I could get my camera. I got my camera and met the group in front of our cabin. We all put the bear on the ground behind Bob's truck. I had made it quite clear as I was descending the tree that, "This was my bear and we are getting our picture taken." I took a bunch of pictures with me holding the bear's head in my lap. I hope they come out and there might actually be one in this envelope with the letter if I can get them all developed while in this next set of days off. (see below)
So once we all had our pictures taken, we put the bear in the bear trap on the back of Bob's truck. Bob thanked me, shook my hand, and then was on his way. I went into the cabin and collapsed on the benches around our table. I asked Kevin if I could go lay down, went out to my tent, and didn't get up till lunch at 12.
This is by far the coolest thing I have ever done in my entire Philmont career. I felt like the coolest guy for the next 3 days. You guys should have seen my face as I ran up to the cabin to get my camera, adrenaline pumping, big 'ol grin on my face. I was overflowing with heart pounding excitement, while knuckle fear, and pure joy. This was one to tell the grandkids and I am sure they will hear about it.
D | 5/24/2005 04:19:00 PM
| 10 comments | Post your comment
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Drive-by-porn laws
D | Thursday, May 12, 2005
Now I know what you're thinking, but I swear this is for real, and much like the cheerleaders from earlier in the week, this too is a nationwide epidemic which can only be cured by the swift actions of our brilliant local legislative bodies. Welter, I am warning you right now, this is another one of those times were I have gone off the deep end and done a completely irrational amount of "research" for my blog. Read on with caution...
Apparently while riding in their parent's vehicles children are being assaulted by pornographic movies being displayed on in-dash DVD players of other passing motorists (I feel stupider just having to type that). Don't believe me? I cite for you the following:
- An article in The New York Times detailing the growing concerns over "drive-by-porn" and pointing out that three states have already passed laws banning such a practice: Tennessee, Louisiana, and Oklahoma (soon to be added Michigan).
My favorite quote from this article:
"I wasn't aware of the extent to which it was becoming a problem," he (Ten. State Senator Mark Norris, Rep, ed) said. "But I found a number of folks who were in their cars with children, being held hostage to this kind of display at traffic lights. Even pedestrians reported the experience." Since then, several more reports of so-called drive-by porn have come to his attention, Mr. Norris said. One Nashville radio host found herself trapped between two cars, each displaying explicit videos. "She was wedged in," he said. "She couldn't avoid it."
Oh Senator... people are held hostage by terrorists, held hostage by bank robbers, sometimes even held hostage by dangerous weather phenomena, you know, tornados or hurricanes, BUT COME ON MAN - I don't think I am ever going to agree that anyone can be "held hostage" by porn (especially when they have such a readily available means of "escape" like, gasp, their CAR (Wow, I am on such a rant at this point...)).
- A local news station's article on the passage of the Tennessee drive-by porn law.
My favorite quote from this article:
"Norris, the bill's sponsor, agreed that there are many other serious issues facing the state, but said he felt the need to address the problem after hearing several complaints about it."
Who is this guy? Ok Senator Noriss, compare for me please the greater "public good" which would come from the lives saved from lowering your state's interstate highway speed limit from 70 to 65 versus the greater "public good" derived from fining people for watching porn in their car. I'll put it another way - Are we losing more lives to drivers killed by porn or by traveling 70 mph? If the answer is porn, then by all means my good Senator, legislate away!
- An Oklahoma Senate press release on the passage of the Oklahoma drive-by porn law. Also, the text of that law (will open an rtf file) if you're like me and would like to go straight to the source.
My favorite quote from this report:
"It (watching porn while driving, ed) gives new meaning to the term rev up your engine"
A state senator said that. I don't know, but that's just funny to me. Oklahoma did two funny things: 1. attach this law as an amendment to a law outlawing methanphetamine production (? yeah I don't know why) and 2. base a great deal of their law on the protection of minors. Raise your hand if you think we should ban public displays of everything that could possibly be considered harmful to minors? Ok, all of you people feel free to move to China, but be sure to leave the First Amendment here with the rest of us. By the way, Oklahoma's penalty is a $500 fine while Tennessee's was only $50, meaning of course that a cost benefit analysis of where to watch porn on your cross country drive would favor Tennessee for "dirty driving."
- A local news station's report on the passage of the Michigan drive-by porn law (another report here). Also, the text of that law. This was just passed a few days ago. (Hat tip for the link and spurring me on to research and write this entire post: Brendan/Rebecca)
The Michigan version is about 10x more detailed (read complicated) than the Oklahoma version linked above. Also, in Michigan they are throwing the book at you - 1st offense no more than $1,500 fine, second $5k fine, and third $10k fine and up to 93 days in jail or both.
I suppose, just as a concluding question, has anyone talked about how we are going to enforce this law?
"Um Hi, Cincinnati Police Department, yes my name is Derek Walden and I am sitting in traffic on I-71 and I was calling to report a crime. What's that? No, not an accident. Car jacking? No. Shooting? No, not that either. (beat) Well officer, you see there is this guy in the car next to me who is watching some porn on his DVD player and I was really bothered by this. I was hoping you could come on up here, ask him to turn it off, and maybe write him a ticket? What's that? You have real crimes to deal with. Hey come on, I'm really offended by this and... Hello? Hello?"
D | 5/12/2005 01:12:00 AM
| 4 comments | Post your comment
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Least reliable wireless network...
D | Tuesday, May 10, 2005
As of 5PM today, I have a new mobile phone number:
513-403-1914
Why now, you ask? Why not when I moved to Ohio? Because Verizon blows. Blows, I say, blows. When I left New York (1 year ago this month, thank God) my service was horrible. And so I tried to move my number to Ohio. I was told I could not do this without signing a new contract, something which I would rather die than do. Then I moved to Cincinnati in September, and I was again told I could not do this. Then I moved to my apartment in March, and I was again told I could not do this. I continued to drop calls almost everyday and was told that I should take my phone to a branch for them to work on. I did this (and met my new friend Rene) and they upgraded my "firmware" (whatever the hell that is). The phone was working properly till about a week ago when it decided to screw me again. And so I called to complain AGAIN.
And magically yesterday when I was calling for my this most recent round of complaining about my horrible drop call ratio, I started in about how they wouldn't let me change my number and MAGICALLY I was told "We can do that, we do that all the time." And that representative is damn lucky that I also dropped that call because I was really starting to rip her a new one. And so, I have a new number. And so I yelled at a different rep today.
Can you hear me now?
Yes and you BLOW.
D | 5/10/2005 06:16:00 PM
| 1 comments | Post your comment
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Done
D | Monday, May 09, 2005
Some people claim that there's a women to blame
But I know its my own damn fault
I've had that song lyric in my head all day today. I don't know...
I ended my friendship with Bernard today. So there that is.
I guess the reason I write here is 1. because this is my journal and it helps me keep track of the hills and valleys that make up the landscape of my life and 2. because I have a warning to disseminate to the rest of my readers: My friendship is not indestructible, it is not unbreakable, it is not without memory, and it is not never-ending. And this troubles me.
I would like to believe that family, love, and friendship are things in my life that will never die. But today I know, that in my case, this isn't true. And that's got me thinking, "Is there anyone in my life who no matter what happened, I would never walk away - someone who no mater how terrible the wrong they commit against me, I would turn the other check and forgive them?" I think the answer is "No." I love my friends and I love my parents, but I don't have to stretch my imagination too far to uncover situations where I would choose to terminate my relationship with any of these individuals if some series of unfortunate circumstances occurred. Today I ended a six year friendship. I can imagine situations where I strain the relationship with my mother or my brother; I can even imagine the divorce of a future wife. Obviously all of these situations are ones I wish to avoid at all costs, but from a purely logical standpoint they simply cannot be placed outside the realm of possibilities.
The only person I can think who I would never leave is my own child. I find it impossible to imagine leaving, abandoning, or giving up on my own offspring. But that's all.
And so I am opening it up for discussion. Is there something unique with my bass-ackwards personality that makes every person I've ever met dispensable to me? Is there anyone in your own life, who no mater what happened, you would never abandon?
D | 5/09/2005 06:33:00 PM
| 12 comments | Post your comment
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Alternate ESB Ending
D | Sunday, May 08, 2005
The Empire Strikes Back:
Extra-Special Edition
INT: BESPIN GANTRY
MOMENTS LATER:
A furious light saber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No ... I am your father!
Luke: No, it's not true! That's impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true ...
Luke: NO!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio?
Darth Vader: Yes ... Threepio ... I built him ... when I was 7 years old ...
Luke: No ...
Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp ...
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, it's not my fault ...
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go ... "Poor me ... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday ... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith ... waahhh wahhh!"
Luke: Shut up ...
Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi Knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon.
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor ... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open ... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer ... right here, baby!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.
Darth Vader: I was wrong ... You're not my kid ... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine ...
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.
Darth Vader: Get a haircut!
D | 5/08/2005 09:47:00 PM
| 0 comment | |
