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Penis Cars
Kate | Monday, February 21, 2005
Hello, D's loyal readers. Kate here. D and I were out today and he thought you'd all be interested in a bit of our conversation from earlier this afternoon. Check it out:
D: So I am thinking about getting a new car in a couple of months.
K: Oh yeah, what kind?
D: You are so going to laugh at me.
K: Tell me anyway.
D: Mustang, convertible.
K: (Uncontrollable laughter - the kind that starts out with silent shaking before you put your hands to your temples and shake it back and forth while bursting out in big, bold guffaws...)
D: Seriously? What the Hell?
K: No....No....No.....
D: What? Why not? I like those.
K: Because a Mustang convertible is an "I-have-a-small-penis-car!" (more laughter)
D: No, it's not.
K: Yes. Yes, it is. Those scream, "I have a small penis!" I don't think you want to be screaming that.
D: Shut up.
K: They are Penis-Cars.
For the rest of the afternoon, Derek would say, "How about that?" and I would respond with, "Penis-Car."
Please, girls, back me up on this. A Mustang convertible is most definitely a small-penis car. Or at least a girl's car. Those watching him drive by would comment, "Boy, that guy must have a small penis, unless he's driving his girlfriend's car." Don't you think?
Kate | 2/21/2005 06:33:00 PM
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Quotes from a Star Wars Virgin
D | Sunday, February 20, 2005
Ashley's comments from her first viewing of Star Wars Episode IV, A New Hope.
Pre-Movie
"Is this the one where Darth Vader cuts off Luke's hand?"
During Movie
"Are the white guys robots?" (referring to Stormtroopers)
"Leia's not that pretty."
"Who are the monk thingies?" (referring to Jawas)
"Are they out looking for the Death Ship?" (referring Han, Luke, and Obi-Wan, and by Death Ship she means Death Star)
"What's in the ball?" (my personal favorite, as she was referring to The Death Star)
HAN: "We're coming up on Alderaan" ASH: "No you're not."
"Are they all from the same place?" (referring to Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie)
"Lightsabers are kinda sexy."
Post-Movie
"That wasn't bad."
D | 2/20/2005 11:55:00 PM
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Road to the OSCARS Preview
D | Thursday, February 17, 2005
This post is a mock OSCAR interview between Bernard (green), Derek (black) and a moderator (blue). For your reading enjoyment, Bernard and I co-authored this post. Grab a beer and enjoy!
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Good evening, I'm William Bush. I'm your moderator for this evening's events. Tonight we are talking to two up and coming hyphenates about the impending OSCARS. The first is Bernard F. Bunye, writer/director of HETEROFLEXIBLE, RENAISSANCE and his latest project THE COURAGE JOURNAL which will begin filming soon. And second is Derek Walden. He was Mr. Bunye's Executive Producer for RENAISSANCE and now a stockbroker, with really no other ties to the film industry.
Thank you both for being here.
Thanks for having us.
I was just glad to be asked.
Truth be told, you weren't our first choice, Derek. Mr. Scorsese couldn't make it.
I was the next guy in line after Marty?
No. You're only here because we couldn't locate Leonardo DiCaprio either. And please stop calling him Marty.
Sure thing.
It's alright. So now, let's talk OSCARS. Let's start with a nice easy warm-up question. Tell me your feelings on the quality of this year's nominees. Mr. Bunye, your thoughts?
This was a good year. I'm surprised that Paul Giamatti wasn't nominated and sad that ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND and COLLATERAL didn't get more recognition. But otherwise I'm fairly happy with the nominees selected.
And Mr. Walden, how did this year's films stack up against last year's?
Let me just say this: I think the OSCARS are a ridiculous excuse for rich Hollywood types to throw themselves an awards party, dress up in shiny gowns, and get wasted afterwards. Speaking of which, Will -- can I call you Will?
No.
Ok, Billy it is then -- what does a guy have to do to get a drink around here?
You're on live television. You can't drink on TV.
Oh I'm not picky. Bud Light is fine.
Moving right along, Mr. Bunye, your question. Who do you think will win Best Actor?
Jamie Foxx. Now that Paul Giamatti is out it's Foxx. But I'm personally rooting for Don Cheadle. Best performance I saw this year.
Mr. Walden?
Cheadle. He should win. Hey, here comes my beer! (A woman delivers a Bud Light and some beer nuts.) Awesome!
Um...okay. So how about the Supporting categories? Derek?
Yes. (Sips beer.) Supporting. Excellent.
I'm sorry?
Yeah, I can't remember who's nominated.
Well in Best Supporting Actor there's Morgan Freeman, Th-
-Morgan Freeman. I love him. He's badass in SHAWSHANK. (Doing a terrible Morgan Freeman impersonation) "Get busy living or get busy dying."
Amazing...ly bad. How about you Bernard?
I agree with my colleague. I think Morgan Freeman will win, but I think it should be Thomas Haden Church. He's fantastic in SIDEWAYS. Just a beautifully textured and funny performance...one of four in that film. I want Virginia Madsen to win too. But I have a feeling that Cate Blanchett will probably be taking home the hardware in that category. In any case, SIDEWAYS was my favorite film of the year.
Is that your Best Picture pick?
Yes. But I know it won't win. It'll be MILLION DOLLAR BABY. I wouldn't mind THE AVIATOR though. Man that's a good film too. It sure feels the most OSCARy of this year's crop of nominees.
Derek, do you agree?
GARDEN STATE. (Derek takes a large swig of beer and starts eating the beer nuts.)
Mr. Walden, that film wasn't nominated for Best Picture.
But it's a good movie.
Yes, yes it is. Yet that's not issue. It is ineligible because it isn't even nominated.
Well it's my Best Picture choice, damn it. Back up off me foo!
Alright. Well, what about the Best Director race? Mr. Bunye.
Scorsese should win. It's time. It's just fucking time.
Bernard you can't swear on live television.
Oh sorry.
Yeah, but you said I can't drink either and watch this. (Derek finishes a beer in one swig.) What's up now, Mr. Moderator?
That was impressive (and a little sad).
As I always say, "No balls no babys."
Well that's a permeating syllogism to be sure, but do you have anything to contribute on this subject?
About what?
Best Director.
Ah. Yes. Best Director. I have a strong pick this year -- it should be my boy Bernard here. I've worked with him. He's great. I vote Bernard. (chanting) BER-NARD BER-NARD BER-NARD.
(to Derek) You're an idiot. (to moderator) He has the alcohol tolerance of a freshmen sorority girl, he's probably drunk by now. But getting back to something relevant, I think Eastwood will win. Which is wrong. THE AVIATOR was vastly better than MILLION DOLLAR BABY. (whispering to Derek) But thanks for the vote buddy.
No problem. (to moderator) Another beer, moderator. I actually don't know who's nominated. Is Spielberg up for something? I love that guy. Indiana Jones, Jaws, Back to the Future. Those are great films.
Dude, Spielberg didn't direct BACK TO THE FUTURE. That was Zemeckis.
Shut up, he did too. Like you know anything about films...
Wow and you claim to like these movies?
Gentlemen. Let's talk Best Actress. This year's nominees include-
(to Bernard) I got this one. (to moderator) Natalie Portman.
Again, not nominated in that category.
Horseshit. I am not participating in this interview anymore. This is like the Spanish Inquisition or something and you, my question-asking friend, are Mussolini. (Derek drinks two beers at once.)
(Bernard shakes his head.) I want Kate Winslet to win but I think it'll go to Annette Bening even though no one has seen her film. Hilary Swank could win, but her career doesn't warrant two Academy Awards. Bening's does.
She comes out only wearing that Oxford shirt...I loved THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT. Sorkin rocks... just rocks... (Derek starts to scratch himself inappropriately and belch.)
Let's switch gears. Bernard, as a writer, you must be interested in those categories.
Well I think those are the only two categories that won't be surprising who wins. ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND for Original and SIDEWAYS for Adapted.
What about you Derek? Any thoughts?
Take me drunk, I'm home! (Derek passes out in his chair.)
Well thank you gentlemen. And thank you all for joining us for our Road to the OSCARS preview.
D | 2/17/2005 03:04:00 PM
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Ohio about to be sued
D | Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Upon reading this headline I said out loud, "The state of Ohio is about to get sued." Ohio Governor, Bob Taft, has signed into law a program which would allow anti-abortion supporters to purchase a Pro-Life license plate for their vehicle. Like supporting your favorite sporting team, license plates are the next forum for political expression. A little more research and it turns out the ACLU is considering litigation (which would undoubtedly win) when the bill goes into effect 90 days from now.
Now, as I step up onto my ex-lawyer-yet-still-super-legal-nerd soapbox...
A bit more research (coupled with quite a bit more reading) found that South Carolina has unsuccessfully tried to create this exact type of license plate. A South Carolina District Court decision prohibited SC from issuing the "Choose Life" license plates and declared the enacting statute unconstitutional. Next, the 4th Circuit affirmed the district court's decision. Furthermore, the Supreme Court recently refused to hear this case upon ultimate appeal. Each decision, and indeed this entire chain of events, makes perfect sense to me.
My question is this: Does Taft not read the newspaper? Is anyone in Ohio politics asking the question, "Hey should we see if our laws are constitutionally valid before we pass them?" I guess not. And I hate politicians playing the public against the court system for their own political gain. Now Taft will be able to say, "Look, I challenged the Supreme Court in an effort to uphold your beliefs (Ed: in a ridiculous license plate scheme). Elect me again!"
D | 2/16/2005 03:58:00 PM
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Billboard blows
D | Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Sorry, I didn't post anything yesterday. I quite literally had one of those days were I didn't have anything to say or didn't want to talk about the things that I did have to say.
Today is more of the same. Although I did see a billboard that I would like complain about. And since this is my webpage, I get the unique privilege of being able to complain about whatever I want...
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The billboard is advertising LaRosa's new spicy pizza and reads:
20,000 BTU
Taste.
I can only assume that BTU refers to British Thermal Unit. And I guess that these lines are to be read together, i.e. "20,000 BTU Taste" or "20,000 British Thermal Unit Taste". But that doesn't mean anything. Again guessing, but I think what they mean is that the new spicy pizza is so hot and spicy, that it registers 20,000 BTUs. Still, BTUs measure temperature not spicy-ness.
In my estimation this advertisement is HORRIBLE for two glaring reasons: 1. I would guess that less than 5% of the world population could correctly identify the acronym BTU, thus rendering the ad ineffectual, and 2. The listing of the pizza as a new spicy item, is in small print directly below the pizza picture, rendering the "joke" or "humor" impossible to get (I only read that line on the billboard when I stopped my car and got out to take this picture). My conclusion: LaRosa's advertising team should be fired for being too smart. I like the ad, but it totally fails in every respect other than showing a huge picture of a pizza. Then again, I wrote an entire blog about it, so maybe this is working after all... a marketing strategy based upon educating the public as to the new uses of the BTU? I like it!
A photo of the billboard in question (a horrible photo I know, sorry, I'll try to get a better one tomorrow)
D | 2/15/2005 11:29:00 AM
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The whole story
D | Sunday, February 13, 2005
Bernard says that I should write more about my life in my own blog. "The people who read it want to know about what is happening in your life." This entry is for Bernard and all those other folks who read my blog to learn about me. If you don't care about my personal life, best just stop reading right now.
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The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master. -Vader
It should come as little surprise to anyone who knows me that when Jen and I broke up over a year ago I was in pretty bad shape. Trying the things you do when you're desperate, I asked for help from the one person who I knew would be able to empathize - Nick. Those of you who are unfamiliar with Nick, he was dating Jen when she and I first met and I basically stole Jen away from Nick. Now suddenly being on the shitty end of the equation, I realized how much of an ass I was and knew I needed to apologize to him for what I had done.
As I am sure Alex can attest, writing Nick a letter asking for forgiveness was one of the most uncharacteristic moves I've ever made. I hoped Nick would forgive me, but in the end, I felt like this was something I needed to do for my own well being. I had severely disrespected someone. Worse yet, I had wronged someone I had never even met and never even given a second thought. My Dad always taught me, "The first thing you do when you realize you've made a mistake is say you're sorry." So I did.
To this day, Nick should hate me forever. Yet he openly and honestly forgave me. In a brief exchange of emails that followed I even asked for his advice on how to deal with my situation. How did you get over her? And even though Nick had every reason to tell me to fuck off, he endured my questions and gave me steady council and tempered guidance. Nick, if by some twist of fate you ever read this, I want you to know how much I will always appreciate that amazing gesture of kindness. To this day, I respect and admire you.
And now, fate has given me an opportunity to be there for someone else - life has come full circle. This time I am the ex getting the questioning letters. And I am the one trying to give steady council and tempered guidance. I would have never expected to be here, and I am more than happy to give back some of what was so graciously given to me.
And now, the sappy part....I am so lucky to be at a point where my life is amazing - living where I want to live, in a job that is stable and exciting, with family who love me, friends I cherish, and opportunities to do and go wherever I can imagine. A little over a year ago I was at the lowest point of my life; now I am looking up at endless possibilities. I can not express how blessed I feel. To all friends, thank you for always believing in me and never walking away for something better. To my family, thank you for standing behind me and lifting me up. To the women in my life, I will never be able to put into words how much each of you has helped me become a better man - Lisa, Kate, Steph, and Ashley. And to my newest confidant, who feels betrayed by someone you loved and trusted, let me assure you of this - It gets better. I know. And there's a big world out there just waiting for Derek-Walden-shaped holes....
D | 2/13/2005 11:34:00 PM
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Every woman has the exact love life she wants
D | Saturday, February 12, 2005
I saw The Wedding Date tonight. Without diving into a review, I thought the movie had more potential that it never capitalized on. But one of the themes I enjoyed was this: "Every woman has the exact love life she wants." The main male character (a male escort played by Mulroney) first espouses this message to the female lead (Messing) and the sentiment is later reiterated by more than one character.
I couldn't agree more with this concept. While I think this is particularly true for women, I think we all have the love life we want. If you're the type of person who loves drama and excitement, you will build those things into your relationships. If you want to play the waiting game, then you will wait. If you want something casual, then you will seek that out. If you want to hurt people or fuck with people's minds, then you will do that. If you want to be miserable, then you will be. If you want long term relationships, no relationships at all, or something in between, then that's where you will head - you shape your own love life. I agree with my fellow blogger/critic (link, 4th paragraph from end) that often we don't have any control over the people we meet (i.e. finding Mr. or Ms. Right), but we do have control over the decisions we make and the frame of mine which we look at the world. Good enough for me.
The bigger picture is this: I lead the life I choose. Thank God, I am finally stepping up the plate in my love life (and hopefully stepping up in the bigger picture of my life too). Now, I craft my love life into something that I want and something that makes me happy. And that plan is working for me.
D | 2/12/2005 03:38:00 AM
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North Korea making sense
D | Thursday, February 10, 2005
Today North Korea publicly announced that it has nuclear weapons. (CNN story here) I'm not going to go on and on about this. I am just going to say this: the North Korean's logic make perfect sense to me- I disagree with the idea - but it makes perfect sense. Try this...
The United States has invaded Afghanistan and Iraq under the Bush administration. President Bush will be in office for four more years. North Korea does not want to be invaded by the US. The US has nuclear weapons. Therefore, North Korea needs to defend themselves with nuclear weapons.
I don't care if you are a Republican, Democrat, or cucumber, that makes sense. We told Afghanistan to give us Bin Laden, they refused and we invaded. We told Iraq to give up WMD and turn over Saddam, they refused and we invaded. Now, we have told North Korea we want them to stop building nuclear weapons. It seems as though they are refusing...which leads our current administration to do what? I hate to sound like I am agreeing with the North Koreans, but it is almost like "Want to start invading other countries to spread democracy and freedom around the world? Well, this is what you get." I know I said I didn't want to get into it - sorry I went on this long.
North Korean press release quotes:
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We ... have manufactured nukes to cope with the Bush administration's evermore undisguised policy to isolate and stifle the DPRK.
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We have shown utmost magnanimity and patience for the past four years since the first Bush administration swore in. We cannot spend another four years as we did in the past four years, and there is no need for us to repeat what we did in those years.
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The remarks made by senior officials of the (Bush) administration clarifying the official political stance of the US contained no word showing any willingness to co-exist with the DPRK or make a switchover in its policy toward it. On the contrary, they have declared it as their final goal to terminate the tyranny, defined the DPRK, too, as an "outpost of tyranny" and blustered that they would not rule out the use of force when necessary.
D | 2/10/2005 05:12:00 PM
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Lakota levy fails by 29 votes
D | Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Read the story here. 13,109 to 13,080. 29 votes? To quote WW, "that's about 12 yard signs."
I truly do not understand voting NO for a school levy. Can someone explain this to me? Why are we voting NOT to give money to schools? Do all these voters send their children to private schools? Do all these voters simply not have children anymore? I would like to hear ONE coherent argument.
This whole thing got ugly a few days ago when the school district was forced to send out ANTI-levy fliers. You read that right; the school district had to use its own students to distribute information from an anti-levy organization against its own levy in response to legal threats. Apparently a public school system is not aloud to advocated the passage of its own levy in a school sponsored news letter and some anti-tax organization got all bent out of shape. Read the article here.
As it turns out, they think Lakota School District is improperly spending its money. My question is, are you retarded? If this levy does fail, Lakota will be forced to: increase busing cuts all the way to state minimum busing requirements, cut all Jr. High sports in additional to some high-school basketball, gymnastics, and cheerleading; and fire 15 high school teachers, 11 librarians, and 11 art teachers. (See the proposed budget cuts here) Is the spending problem that we want our children to grow up as cultured adults with art classes, a library, and sporting teams?
Maybe this is why anti-tax "conservatives" drive me crazy - I would rather give my tax dollars to a school where they toss my money in the furnace to keep the children warm than send my money over-sees to protect American oil interests in Iraq. Schools should be palaces. They should be painted in gold, laced with diamond floors, and filled with the latest technological resources. Voting NO is simply unacceptable.
D | 2/09/2005 03:14:00 PM
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100 things no one knows
D | Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Stolen from Lisa's original idea and Jen's most recent version, I too have made a list. I tried to list 100 things even my best of friends will not already know about me. Enjoy.
1. Derek has dated 14 women but only been in love with 4.
2. Derek is more than $60,000 dollars in debt.
3. Derek was elected to 6th grade Student Council by impersonating Elvis in his speech.
4. Derek doesn't want to go back to NYC.
5. Derek failed more than one class at OSU.
6. Derek's sarcasm often gets him in trouble.
7. Derek has always said he wants his kids to be boys but in truth would love to have 3 girls.
8. Derek loves intelligence and can't stand mediocrity or apathy.
9. Derek never finished Property.
10. Derek has never shop-lifted.
11. Derek has fallen asleep in church.
12. Derek only recently starting appreciating the value of his family and will never make that mistake again.
13. Derek rarely trusts anyone.
14. Derek's really good friends number less than 5.
15. Derek still calls West Chester home.
16. Derek gets drunk alone.
17. Derek peed in the US and Canada simultaneously.
18. Derek once put a hole in the wall while having sex.
19. Derek sometimes enjoys being an asshole.
20. Derek never dated his crush in grade school because he never thought he was cool enough.
21. Derek wears size 11 sneakers and size 10 dress shoes.
22. Derek loves running but only when angry or determined.
23. Derek has been smacked.
24. Derek has $29 in his wallet right now he thinks that is a lot.
25. Derek is still trying for two women at once.
26. Derek doesn't think he is going to Hell but doesn't know where he is going.
27. Derek worries his parents think he is going to Hell.
28. Derek improperly uses big words to impress less intelligent people.
29. Derek considers himself deeply spiritual.
30. Derek rarely admits his flaws.
31. Derek has only been acquainted with 4 people he thinks are smarter than him. *EDIT*: smarter than he.
32. Derek would go to war if he was drafted.
33. Derek is more in-touch with his emotions than anyone ever sees.
34. Derek wears boxer briefs.
35. Derek secretly watches The Real World.
36. Derek wants to build a house.
37. Derek hates hypocrites but often feels he is being one.
38. Derek doubts the validity everything he ever hears.
39. Derek will get married twice.
40. Derek would rather be alone than in a group.
41. Derek would rather be in charge of a group, then a participant in the group.
42. Derek worries his children won't be intelligent.
43. Derek is hoping to be elected to a public office.
44. Derek has taken the day off work to have sex.
45. Derek has been clinically depressed.
46. Derek wants to settle down and start a family.
47. Derek knows he doesn't make friends very easily.
48. Derek enjoys a good fight.
49. Derek loves starting a project and finishing a project but dislikes everything in between.
50. Derek misses his Volvo.
51. Derek wishes he were closer with his brother.
52. Derek has never done any illegal narcotic.
53. Derek maxed out all his credit cards less than a year ago.
54. Derek honestly doesn't know a lot of Philosophy.
55. Derek is sometimes jealous of his friends' good fortune.
56. Derek wants to go back to Philmont.
57. Derek loves spontaneity and wishes more people would surprise him.
58. Derek has chronic lower back pains but refuses to go to the doctor.
59. Derek has bad teeth because he only brushes when it occurs to him.
60. Derek doesn't know how to act around handicapped people, yet has a Grandmother in a wheelchair.
61. Derek didn't drink until his 21st birthday and since has only been really drunk twice.
62. Derek thinks confident women are sexier than skinny women.
63. Derek sleeps as long as possible, whenever possible.
64. Derek hopes they start his funeral late in deference to his personality.
65. Derek has had a one night stand.
66. Derek loves spending money on extravagant meals.
67. Derek has made a woman cry on purpose, yet he hates when women cry.
68. Derek would like to be more well-read.
69. Derek always appreciates brutal honesty, yet rarely gives this courtesy to others.
70. Derek wishes someone would over-haul his wardrobe.
71. Derek doesn't mind crying but rarely does it.
72. Derek wants a dog but worries he won't take care of it properly.
73. Derek has never read A Tale of Two Cities.
74. Derek has faked orgasm.
75. Derek thinks his life is more complete in the company of a good woman.
76. Derek has tried to fill gaps in his life with religion.
77. Derek doesn't want a lot of money.
78. Derek thinks his ex-girlfriends read his email (somehow).
79. Derek wishes he would have marched in TBDBITL.
80. Derek has never thought of committing suicide.
81. Derek has technically been fired from a job.
82. Derek hasn't maintained contact with a single person from NYLS.
83. Derek gets bored while watching porn.
84. Derek believes in true love.
85. Derek wasn't sad when his Grandfather died.
86. Derek broke both bones in his left arm while rollerblading.
87. Derek never got his Eagle Scout and always regrets it.
88. Derek might never be a lawyer.
89. Derek was afraid of his mom when he was little.
90. Derek rarely reaches his potential and is often times disappointed in himself.
91. Derek has never been with a woman who matched his sex drive.
92. Derek hates when people push their religion on him.
93. Derek loves to wear a suit and a tie but often pretends not to.
94. Derek is in favor of the death penalty.
95. Derek would love to go to Australia or England.
96. Derek regrets a lot of the opportunities he missed in college.
97. Derek loves the chase.
98. Derek is wickedly self-centered.
99. Derek has broken more hearts than he chooses to remember, yet has only had his broken twice.
100. Derek thought this list would be easier to write.
D | 2/08/2005 03:47:00 PM
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Rant - kid bragging
D | Monday, February 07, 2005
Imagine curing cancer or winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Imagine owning that new home or sexy sports car. Imagine something in your life where upon completion of that goal, you could not possibly cease bragging about your accomplishment. For me, this would be "two girls at once." But for every parent, or future parent, this is their kid.
I was at a meeting today where nearly everybody in the room recently had, or was expecting, a child. No more than 5 minutes into our social time we began to play "My kid is better than yours." And they wouldn't shut up about their damn kids. My kid can lay very still on his back and stare at the ceiling. Oh yeah, well mine can roll over. Mine scoots around on his belly. Mine can crawl. I remember when mine crawled, now he's 4. He talks. Mine was 6 lbs and 29 inches. Mine was 7 lbs 13 ounces. C-section for my wife; son was 9 lbs. Blah, blah-dy, blah.
Oh my god. Shut up. I can crawl and you don't see me bragging about it. I don't care about the best kind of walker, and I don't care about mastering solid foods, and I definitely don't care about the best kind of teething medication. When your kids invents the flying car, give me a call. Until then, celebrate your joy of child-rearing with your spouse and no one else. I always thought those jokes about parents bragging about their kids were just that, jokes - right up until I spent time with people who have children. I mean, I get how children change your life and how you never felt love like this and your whole outlook on everything changes, but please, for the love of Pete, keep it to yourself. Your kid can drool - I DON'T CARE. Not even a little.
Feels good to get that off my chest.
D | 2/07/2005 04:20:00 PM
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Liveblogging the COMMERCIALS!
D
Because let's face it, no one cares about the game...
6:35 - Just before kick-off
Ford Mustang - Note to self: Don't drive through Minnesota with the top down in the middle of winter. But the new Mustang looks sweet.
6:42 - After kick-off, during the challenge
Bud Light - Who throws beer out of a plane? Sky diving - be sure to bring some beer to throw out the door first.
O 2 - Breathable contact lenses? What? That was dumb.
Constantine, the movie - This looks bad. No amount of Super Bowl ads will make me want to see this movie.
6:49 - 1st Q, change of possession
Diet Pepsi - P Diddy and Carson both drive Pepsi trucks. This just proves that if you are famous, anything you do is cool.
Lebron Lemonade - No. Lebron has his name on everything. Let something go man. And seriously, lemonade?
Olympus M-Robe - It's a phone, it's a camera. Neat. I would buy something like that - especially if it could make me dance cool.
Half time promo - Paul McCartney (we went from Janet ripping off clothes, now we get Sir Paul, damn conservatives bring back the breasts)
6:52 - 1st Q, change of possession
The Pacifier - Vin Diesel watches kids. Since when is it funny to have action stars and children in the same movie? Didn't we learn from that Hulk Hogan movie where he was the nanny?
Fed Ex - Great commercial. Best so far. 10 items, 1. Celebrity 2. Animal 3. Dancing animal 4. Cute kid 5. Groin kick 6. Talking animal 7. Attractive females 8. Product message (optional) 9. Pop song 10. Bonus ending
Bud Light - Two guys, what 3 things would you have if you were stranded on an island? Ha ha, two women who nag me to death. Man I need to work on my fantasy.. No joke.
6:59 - 1st Q
Volvo and Virgin - We are fast as a rocket ship. Is that what I am supposed to get here? Well, OK then. Indeed my friends, Volvo is now a vehicle young, hip, and cool people drive. I owned a Volvo station wagon - thus now, I am cool.
Diet Pepsi - Hunky guys walks down the street. Cindy and Carson make cameos. Was this funny?
Godaddy.com - This was pretty funny. Making fun of the FCC is always funny. And since Bud Light pulled their Janet Jackson commercial, this was needed. Some hot model's top breaks and committee member breathes oxygen. "What are you here to do?" "I can do this" as she gyrates her ass.
7:09 - 1st Q, after interception(?)
Bud Light - Some guy gave his buddies some tickets to the game. Yeah she's sharing all right?
The Longest Yard - Another Adam Sandler football movie? Prisoners vs. Guards. Ugh. Maybe it will be really funny. Maybe not.
McDonalds - It occurs me that there are a limited number of ways to advertise a hamburger. But Mr. Lincoln Fry?
Simpson's Halftime show - Homer, "I wish I was a screen-saver." Question: If a special is at the end of the game, can it still be a half-time show?
7:13 - 1st Q
Visa - Superheroes get rejected from saving a lost credit card. Ha.
Ameri Quest - Guy in a convience store, "You're getting robbed. I hate to tell you this, but you're getting robbed." And then the shop keepers beat the hell of out of this guy. Don't judge too early.
Quiznos - I hate firms that run Super Bowl ads that I have already seen on TV. And a fat baby will not sell subs. Sorry.
7:21 - end of 1st Q
Hitch, the movie - Will Smith helps men learn women. This movie will be good. And well, it is the cure for the common man.
MBNA Credit Cards - Rugby and Gladys both have a lot of hits. Now they are both on credit cards. No one cares.
Honda Ridge Line- Now Honda is making trucks. Another type of truck - almost as exciting as a cure for cancer
Fox, 24 - promo
7:34 - 2nd Q, Eagles 7, Pats 0
Budweiser - Animals are running where? To become the next Budweiser animal. Damn donkey.
Lays - Getting the ball back from the old man's yard by giving him some chips. Also a dog, my dad's 72 Impala, and MC Hammer. Oh, I think we can "touch this."
Subway - Cops busting the couple making out, which turns out to be 2 guys eating hot sandwiches. He he, car making out, who does that...
7:36 - 2nd Q, Eagles 7, Pats 0
Pepsi - There's music in your bottle. 1 in 3 wins. Pepsi and I-Tunes. Ahhh, another future merger.
Be Cool, the movie - New John Travolta movie. He dances with Uma, but I don't think that will be enough to sell me. Vince Vaughn looks funny though.
Degree - Mama's Boy , with magnets to keep him close to mom (who comes with 6 different guilt trips, he he he). Some men never takes risks. Hey shut up, I'm living at home. Shut up.
7:42 - 2nd Q, Eagles 7, Pats 0, before the challenge
Pepsi - Still music in your bottle
Cadillac - Car gets sucked into tunnel and then shot out. Bang. Best part of those commercials is always the Led Zeppelin music at the end.
7:50 - 2nd Q, change of possession
Career Builder.com - Monkeys at work photocopying their asses and talking on phones that don't ring. I too work with monkeys...
Taco Bell - Boo for re-using commercials.
Bud Light - Talking Spanish parrot who stands up for the cute girl by verbal and physically abusing would-be suitors. Not too bad - mildly funny.
Fox - American Idol promo.
7:56 2nd Q, 2 minute warning
Batman Beyond - SOOO GOOD! I an a huge fan of this movie. In this commercial, we got a look at a few new clips we have yet so see in any trailers or online previews. Well done, WB.
Diana Pearl - I still don't know what that was about. Tile or something.
Michelob Amberbach - Guy who puts on some music. Rich but not smooth, smooth but not rich. Rich and smooth, some random beer.
United Way - Get involved, blah blah blah...
8:10 Halftime, Eagles 7, Pats 7
Nascar - Pirates fight with Jeff Gordon (at least I think it was him). He has an s-word.
5th 3rd Bank - Wayne Brady sings about the Equity Flexline like a loser.
Dodge - Truck days or something.
Nationwide - Kid builds a robot which blows up everything it sees, including the car. I would love to see that claim ticket. Ummm, our kid's robot blew up our house, can we have some money please?
Ford - Their new luxury model.
HALFTIME BREAK - COMMERCIAL LIVEBLOGGING begins again in 3rd Q
Best halftime commercial
NFL - An old standard - this time Montana and Roethlisberger sing "Tomorrow" from Annie. Also featured were Bengals Marvin Lewis and Chad Johnson. When will football players sing "Maybe" or "It's a Hard-Knock Life"?
8:49 3rd Q, Eagles 7, Pats 14, after touchdown
Olympus M-Robe- repeat
Tabasco - Woman on the each in a bikini, burn baby burn, she burns under her tabasco bikini
Robots - rated PG, the voices of some famous people
NFL - Don Cheadle, moments that become legends, The Super Bowl
Fox, 24 - 2.4 million dollar promo
8:51 3rd Q, Eagles 7, Pats 14, after kick
Anheiser Busch - Soldiers return to applause. Thank you.
Napster - You do the math. Buying music online will make you poor.
8:57 3rd Q, Eagles 7, Pats 14, change of possession
Staples - The magical Easy button. Diaper change? Press here for Easy diaper change (i.e. don't get your girlfriend pregnant).
Ameri Quest - Great commercial. Guy is trying to surprise his girlfriend my making spaghetti dinner. The cat knocks over the pot of red sauce, then jumps on the floor. The guy, holding a huge butcher knife grabs the cat by the scruff and stands over the splatter of red as the girlfriend walks in. Don't judge to quickly.
Career Builder.com - The monkey place a whoopi cushion on the guys chair. Monkeys in suits and ties look hysterical to me.
9:02 3rd Q, Eagles 7, Pats 14
The War of the Worlds, the movie - Special effects look pretty good. Tom and Steven, a good combo.
Cialis - GOD DAMN. No more ED ads during sporting events. No man will ever admit to watching this commercial while he is watching some sort of manly sporting event. Come on...
9:11 3rd Q, Eagles 14, Pats 14, after touchdown
Honda Ridge Line - Belt buckles. It's a Honda. Phhhhppppptttttt.
Verizon - The latest thing for Hollywood: miniaturization, Kid Rock, Christina, Shaq, and Deion (too much bling? never thought I'd hear Deion say that). V Cast- TV for your phone.
Fox, The Shield - Hello Glenn Close. Your career is over.
9:19 end of 3rd Q, Eagles 14, Pats 14
Cincinnati Bell - boo, repeat
Nationwide - MC Hammer living it up - 15 minutes later - house forclosed and moving company taking all his stuff away. Life comes at you fast. MC Hammer has been in 2, count 'em 2, super bowl commercials. Is he making a come-back? Oh my.
Chrystler - Town and Country, most boring commercial so far.
9:25 4th Q, Eagles 14, Pats 21
Toyota - Cars spinning wheels, people walking but going no where, trains and motorcycles standing still, but wait what's that? A Prius. Thank the lord, a car that runs on Duracells.
Fox, House - some dumb show about a guy
Superbowl.com - cast vote for MVP
9:30 4th Q, Eagles 14, Pats 21
Budweiser - Bud Select. A beer without aftertaste. That's kind of oxymoronic isn't it?
MasterCard - All the food cartoon characters eating dinner together, priceless. The Green Giant can't fit inside the house, hilarious.
Fox, Amer Idol - "I'm going to Hollywood." I so don't care.
9:37 4th Q, Eagles 14, Pats 21
Emerald Nuts- Unicorns, Santa, and the Easter Bunny. Don't lie to your kids just so they won't eat your food. What kind of parent are you? Bastard. That ad was pretty clever.
Bud Light - Cedric starts his own dance craze, "The Designated Driver"
Career Builder.com - The monkeys are back. The Titanic and monkeys kissing the boss's ass. This is great TV.
9:40 4th Q, Eagles 14, Pats 24
NFL - Collectors Set
Fox, Simple Life - Boo. Interns. Boo.
NFL - promo
That was an entire block without a single outside advertiser. Wow. Fox, you guys are pretty greedy.
9:58 4th Q, Eagles 14, Pats 24, two minute warning
Sahara, the movie - Things blow up, that's all I really got. Matt has to save us from something.
Diet Pepsi- repeat with P Diddy and Carson
Fox, Simpson's - Halftime promo
10:16 FINAL, Eagles 21, Pats 24
Blockbuster - And I rented a movie from my mailbox. As a society, we are getting so lazy.
Fox, 24 - It's all new.
Fox, Amer Idol - Oh Simon. You don't frighten me.
Ruby Tuesday - Seafood on the menu.
American Family Insurance - Play the jingle. Play it. Do it. Get to the... ah, there it is.
Fox, Local - Weather radar.
10:20 Post-game
Cadillac - Daughter sneaks out to get married. Takes her father's Caddy and picks up her boyfriend. Dad drives on ahead and blocks them in the road. They jump out and she starts telling Dad "I love him!" Surprisingly Dad says "It's OK. Just take your mother's car." Led Zeppelin music.
Napster - Napster - to -go
Verizon - Coverage is cutting out... The guy at the pet shop, "You got a poisonous cotton mouth." The guy playing with his snake, "Come give daddy a kiss."
Subway - Boo. Repeat with the guys making out.
Fox, Arrested Dev - promo
Fox, The Shield - repeat promo
And that's it for me. A game well played. Look for a Commercial Wrap Up to immediately follow.
UPDATE: 11:38PM Re-Cap posted - Screen captures included
D | 2/06/2005 06:31:00 PM
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