I don't give a damn
D | Tuesday, August 30, 2005

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Now that's an odd saying. I mean, you don't typically hear people running around saying, "I do give a damn," unless it is in response to someone accusing them of not giving a damn. So I got to thinking about this, and in honor of such an odd saying, I compiled of list of the top things I would do if I actually gave a damn. Here we go...

The Top Ten Things I Would Do If I Actually "Gave A Damn"

Number 10. Iron - I think that pretty much everything looks better if you iron it before you wear it. Having said that, I do own an iron (two actually) but do not own an ironing board. So that pretty much takes care of that.

Number 9. Clean - My house is a wreck right now. And its not that I want things to look nice if someone comes over, but I think I might be coming up on health code violations.

Number 8. Fold - This goes hand in hand with ironing and basically boils down to maximizing energy expenditures. There is no way I am going to fold my socks only to mess them up when I put them on again - just throw the clean ones in one pile and the dirty ones in another pile. Done.

Number 7. Answer Email Responses, Round Two - I know you've been holding out for Teen Girl Squad XXVI, but yeah, sorry Brad, this may never come true.

Number 6. Cook - I ask, what is wrong with TV dinners? When I get home from work the last thing I want to do is slave over a hot stove to cook some dinner for an ungrateful bum. The least you could do is help set the table, but no, you're too busy sitting in front of the TV reading your damn newspaper. And you never tell me I'm pretty anymore...

Number 5. Loose 10lbs - Its true, I've become every woman I've ever known. But listen to these real life examples - 1. My friend at work: Have you gotten shorter since I last saw you? 2. My Grandma: You've filled out nicely. Look at these love handles. 3. Me: Why does my head look so big in every picture I am in?

Number 4. Exercise - See above and add a healthy dose of laziness. When I can't see my feet, I will start to work out (that or when I don't have a woman in my life or when none of my clothes fit anymore (which is probably about two weeks from now)).

Number 3. Wake up on time - You know that old saying: What we have here is a failure to communicate. That's me and my alarm clock. And my cel phone alarm. And often my Ashley alarm. Mornings and I have never seen eye to eye and its because I just don't give a damn about "the AM." I'm totally down with PM - we're dope. But AM is always all up in my grill, and I'm always like, shut up girlfriend and get out of my face, but its all buzzing and sun shinning and I'm like, I am trying to sleep so why don't you just back up off me bi-otch (pronounced bee-ott-ch).

Number 2. Get a haircut - If I didn't care about how my hair looked at the beginning of the summer when I was self-buzzing my head every week or two, God, I'd hate to describe how little I care about whatever shaggerific monstrosity rests upon my head now. Yikes.

Number 1. Buy a kitchen table - I've lived in this house for almost six months and I have a dining room with a desk in one corner and my golf clubs in the other. Is $150 bucks for a table and four chair too much to ask? You bet your ass it is, and I'll tell you why. Its not that I don't want a table (to put all my crap on) - its that I don't want to have to figure out to transport a table 1. to my house and 2. to wherever I move next, all in the back of my Eclipse. I'm better off spending my $150 on booze and women (both very easy... to transport).

If you know me and see something here that I have failed to mention, please feel free to make as much fun of me as you would like via a humorous comment.

D | 8/30/2005 11:33:00 PM |   Post your comment

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Comments:

What, am I the only one not willing to pass up an opportunity to make fun of Derek?

11. Use spell check/dictionary/learn to spell.
Alex | September 01, 2005 9:01 PM | permalink
 

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Thanks Al.
D | September 02, 2005 12:49 AM | permalink
 

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It's not nearly as fun when he explicitly invites it. Plus, I hate being put on the spot like that.
Brad | September 02, 2005 1:42 PM | permalink
 

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