My Application
D | Thursday, July 14, 2005

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As per this recent post and this request, I have created my Application for prospective females. Feel free to post responses or email them to me at derek@derekwalden.com. If I get any responses, I plan to take my favorite answers and paste them into an "ideal" application. If you would like a paper copy, please download it here and mail to the address found on the form. I look forward to some entertaining reading in the near future.

APPLICATION

This is The Derek Walden Application for Dating Eligibility. Please complete all five (5) sections and feel free to expand on any answer which require additional explanation. Bonus points will be given for uniqueness, creativity, and honesty. Have fun.

I - Biography

Name:
Current Address:
Hometown:
Email/Contact info:
DOB/Age:
Education and college major (test scores would be appreciated, but are not mandatory):
Current occupation:
Family members:

II - Basics
Provide your top three choices

Movies:
Books:
TV Shows:
Websites:
Foods:
Vacation destinations:
Leisure activities:

III - True/False and Multiple Choice
Answer honestly about YOUR habits and choices.

1. T or F - "I have already planned 80% (or more) of my wedding."
2. T or F - "I read Cosmo/Vogue on a weekly basis."
3. T or F - "I leave wet towels on the bed/chair/floor."
4. T or F - "I would describe myself as 'eclectic'."
5. T or F - "I believe in 'Fate'. (the opposite of which would be free will)"
6. T or F - "I personify inanimate objects on a regular basis."
7. T or F - "I would say I am "in touch" with my sexuality."
8. T or F - "I would consider myself a spiritual person."
9. T or F - "I prefer city life to country life."
10. T or F - "Size matters."

11. I think that Philosophy/philosophizing is...
a. intriguing
b. interesting
c. idiotic
d. inconsequential

12. You wake up late and are already 5 minutes late to work/class. You...
a. bust your ass to get there ASAP
b. call in to say you will be late and then bust your ass to get there ASAP
c. call in to say you will be late and then get ready in whatever time you need
d. if class, blow off the day and go to the park/if work, call in and take a sick day

13. My favorite part of my body is my...
a. eyes or smile
b. "chest"
c. "posterior"
d. other (please specify)

14. A "Whisperlite" is a... (no Google, don't cheat!)
a. rollerblade bearing
b. canoe design type
c. backpacking stove
d. rappelling harness

15. Who has said, "I've got a bad feeling about this"?
I. Luke
II. Han
III. Leia
IV. Obi-Wan

a. I and III
b. II and IV
c. I, II, III
d. I, II, III, IV


IV - Random

Favorite place to have sex:
Favorite alcoholic beverage:
Favorite curse word:
Favorite Simpsons character:
If you could have any profession:
If you could have one superpower:
If you could have one car:
Dress up or dress down:
Right handed or left handed:
Soda or Pop:
Bikini or thong:
White rice or Fried rice:
Dog or cat:
Batman or Superman:
Manual or automatic:


V - Essays
Choose 3. Be specific, but remember "brevity is the soul of wit."

A) Describe your ideal man?
B) Describe your biggest personality flaw?
C) Make me laugh.
D) Describe the last time you were spontaneous or creative?
E) Describe one thing which you are passionate about (yikes, I ended that sentence with a preposition, sorry English majors).
F) Tell me one other piece of information which will help me get to know you.
G) Is Hell endothermic or exothermic, and why?

D | 7/14/2005 10:43:00 PM |   Post your comment

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Comments:

So I copied and pasted and spent 45 minutes "filling out" and making sarcastic comments on your application. Then Blogger f-ed up and I lost it. Tragic!
Ashley | July 15, 2005 12:47 PM | permalink
 

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yours is way better than mine! i'm totally filling it out and emailing it to you
AJ | July 18, 2005 8:48 AM | permalink
 

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http://ashhug.blogspot.com/2005/07/duck.html
Ashley | July 18, 2005 3:43 PM | permalink
 

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I found your page while surfing online and decided to take your challenge. So here goes.

I - Biography

Name: Sally
Current Address: not that I don't trust the world wide web, but...
Hometown: Cincinnati, OH
Email/Contact info:
DOB/Age: 23
Education and college major (test scores would be appreciated, but are not mandatory): I graduated with a double major in philosophy and psychology, and a minor in criminology. I will be starting law school in the fall.
Current occupation: sales at Victoria's Secret - just for some money and the discount
Family members: youngest of three (brothers)

II - Basics
Provide your top three choices

Movies: Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (yeah I am a dork), Closer, Sideways
Books: Fountainhead, Plato's Republic, Devil Wears Prada
TV Shows: Law and Order (the original), Real World (its like crack, really), Sopranos
Websites: CNN, ebay, Amazon
Foods: sushi, filet mignon, pizza
Vacation destinations: Ozarks, France, Alaska
Leisure activities: reading, hiking, camping

III - True/False and Multiple Choice
Answer honestly about YOUR habits and choices.

1. T or F - "I have already planned 80% (or more) of my wedding." false - that is weird, unless you are engaged
2. T or F - "I read Cosmo/Vogue on a weekly basis." false
3. T or F - "I leave wet towels on the bed/chair/floor." true - sometimes you just forget you put them there
4. T or F - "I would describe myself as 'eclectic'." false
5. T or F - "I believe in 'Fate'. (the opposite of which would be free will)" false
6. T or F - "I personify inanimate objects on a regular basis." false
7. T or F - "I would say I am "in touch" with my sexuality." I would say so - I enjoy sex and know what I like
8. T or F - "I would consider myself a spiritual person." true
9. T or F - "I prefer city life to country life." this one depends - I enjoy the ammenities of the city (theater, restaurants), but I love hiking and camping away from everything else
10. T or F - "Size matters." there is only one reason guys ever ask this question - don't worry, I will keep your secret

11. I think that Philosophy/philosophizing is...
a. intriguing - hence the philosophy major
b. interesting
c. idiotic
d. inconsequential

12. You wake up late and are already 5 minutes late to work/class. You...
a. bust your ass to get there ASAP
b. call in to say you will be late and then bust your ass to get there ASAP
c. call in to say you will be late and then get ready in whatever time you need - although d) is very tempting
d. if class, blow off the day and go to the park/if work, call in and take a sick day

13. My favorite part of my body is my...
a. eyes or smile
b. "chest" - the other parts are nice too, but this is obviously what gets the guys
c. "posterior"
d. other (please specify)

14. A "Whisperlite" is a... (no Google, don't cheat!)
a. rollerblade bearing
b. canoe design type
c. backpacking stove
d. rappelling harness

15. Who has said, "I've got a bad feeling about this"?
I. Luke
II. Han
III. Leia
IV. Obi-Wan

a. I and III
b. II and IV
c. I, II, III
d. I, II, III, IV


IV - Random

Favorite place to have sex: in a tent during a rain storm while hiking in the mountains
Favorite alcoholic beverage: whiskey sour, followed by the rum and coke
Favorite curse word: bumfucker
Favorite Simpsons character: Maggy - probably because I am the youngest in my family
If you could have any profession: U.S. Attorney
If you could have one superpower: invisibility - think of all the fun I could have... ; )
If you could have one car: cars don't mean a whole lot to me, just something reliable with a sunroof
Dress up or dress down: both - I love getting dressed up to go out to dinner or a show, but I'm most comfortable wearing underwear around the house (at least when there is some else around)
Right handed or left handed: right
Soda or Pop: soda
Bikini or thong: definitely thong, soo comfortable
White rice or Fried rice: fried rice...mmm
Dog or cat: dog to play catch and throw frisbee with
Batman or Superman: umm, batman?
Manual or automatic: never driven a manual


V - Essays
Choose 3. Be specific, but remember "brevity is the soul of wit."

A) Describe your ideal man?
B) Describe your biggest personality flaw?
C) Make me laugh. look in the mirror.
D) Describe the last time you were spontaneous or creative? this morning - couldn't find any clean underwear, so commando today
E) Describe one thing which you are passionate about (yikes, I ended that sentence with a preposition, sorry English majors).
F) Tell me one other piece of information which will help me get to know you. I have done the relationship thing and am over it. Maybe in the future sometime, but for now I just want to be able to do whatever I want, date anybody I want, sleep around if I want (not that I would sleep around, but just want that opportunity to be there)
G) Is Hell endothermic or exothermic, and why?

Did I pass?


-Sally
Anonymous | July 18, 2005 5:24 PM | permalink
 

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OK, so surprisingly enough, I have gotten a couple of quality responses to my Application (4 to date). I plan on waiting to see if any more applicants trickle in, then I will post some of my favorite/most humor responses here. Look for them soon.

Ash-
I read, I enjoyed. You can have an interview.

AJ-
I'll be looking for yours.

Honor and Casey-
I've got yours saved.

Sally-
Very interesting. Sally - who loves hiking, thongs, and Star Wars - who lives in Cincinnati, works at Victoria Secret and properly identified a Whisperlite - who likes having sex in a tent, has read The Republic, and prefers dogs over cats. Sally, Sally, Sally...

You are either A) the perfect woman for me or B) how shall I say it, um yes, "imaginary." If this is Alex or Brad playing a practical joke on me, then "Bravo! Well done. Well done" (I particularly like "The Devil Wears Prada" as a book choice, that showed great insight into the female mind - but the name at the end gave it away because we met Sally at Skyline when we came down for Mock Trial).

BUT, if by some bizarre spot of serendipity, you are not my friends (possibly exs) using their insight into my personality to screw with me via my blog AND you are a real person - then I really just don't know what to say. You application was impressive. So yes, you passed. You too may have an interview.

PS: (If this is Brad or Alex, then this part is for you) Sally, I am taking the liberty of assuming you are going to school in Cincinnati as I ask this question and I realize that might be incorrect, but here goes anyway: There is one flag pole outside of both the UC and NKU law school (the only law schools around Cincy). For your particular school, on which side of the building does it reside: N,S,E or W? (I know the right answer to both)
D | July 18, 2005 8:47 PM | permalink
 

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Do AJ, Casey or I get an interview,, or just Ash and "Sally?"
HM | July 18, 2005 11:46 PM | permalink
 

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Yes, you all do.

I am happy to say all applications received so far have been from quality prospects who each deserve an interview.

My people will contact you to get your availability.
D | July 19, 2005 12:03 AM | permalink
 

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D,
I don't know if this "Sally" is real, but she sounds cool. Favorite drink is the whiskey sour? I thought I was the only one!
IrishBrooke | July 19, 2005 3:40 PM | permalink
 

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Brooke,
As long as you promise not to tell anyone... I love whiskey sours too (I just typically give the fruit to whoever I'm with and I drink the drink).

PS: Another reason why Sally may be fictional - my friends (specifically Alex and Brad and anyone I've dated) know this about me bc I used to make them senior year of college (with whiskey from a plastic gallon jug and "sour mix" from Kroger). They were, um, interesting.
D | July 19, 2005 5:46 PM | permalink
 

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D,

To allay some of your concerns, I can promise you that Sally is not my creation. I had contemplated drafting a humorous response to your application but felt that it would be pointless and rather lame.

Of course, I cannot speak for Bradley or anyone else. If Sally is the result of Brad's conjuring, I'll join you in the "well done" assessment -- it didn't immediately strike me as Bradley-esque. Though the answers do seem, shall we say, well crafted and suited to you...
Alex | July 19, 2005 7:01 PM | permalink
 

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Al,
So you're claiming its not you huh? Couldn't remember where the UC flagpole was...?
D | July 19, 2005 10:40 PM | permalink
 

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Give me some credit, D. If this had been my undertaking, surely I'd go the extra mile to perpetuate the hoax. I mean, if I were to take the time to fill out your application with answers designed to approximate what you may be looking for without making it look too obvious, it wouldn't take much additional effort to determine the location of a flagpole.

Of course, maybe I'm just saying it's not me while "Sally" figures out the answer to your question...

But really, you've (indirectly) implicated me in this. And I wanted to clear my name, since I don't particularly like being falsely accused.
Alex | July 20, 2005 9:42 AM | permalink
 

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I can assure you I am quite real. I grew up in Cincinnati but went to Tennessee for undergrad (go Vols!). I have never visited UC or NKU law schools, so I don't know where the flag poles are.

Where did you come up with the questions for your application? Some of them sound really random, like the wedding question. Bad dating experience maybe? Do you have control issues with your wedding?

You know some about me, why should I, or anyone else for that matter, want to date you?

-Sally
Anonymous | July 20, 2005 11:33 AM | permalink
 

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Al,
Ok, so you're not Sally.

Sally,
So where do you/are you going to law school?

Some of the questions are direct shout outs to some of the women who have been in my life, yes indeed. The wedding thing is just something a lot of them had in common - I don't have any control issues with it, just curiosity more than anything.

As for some info about me, well here are my answers to a similar quiz. As for why you should date me, yeah I don't know. If you like smart guys who quote West Wing and know how to tie knots and want a dog, then I'm your man. For more questions, IM me or send me an email - derek@derekwalden.com
D | July 21, 2005 8:58 AM | permalink
 

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Come back (s)Ali.

Come back (s)Ali's sister.

You two meant everything to me.

< head >
< hit >
< keyboard >
D | July 22, 2005 7:52 PM | permalink
 

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