The Application
D | Friday, July 08, 2005

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Semi-random wanderings around the blogging world brought me to a site where a female was suggesting that she needed to "raise the bar" when choosing the men she decides to date. How was she planning to do this, you ask? In perfect female fashion, she had fashioned an application. I think we all see where this is going...

From some of my loyal readers, I often hear complains that I do not post enough about myself and my own life on my blog. This is, for the most part, true. A lot of things I keep to myself. On my blog, I discuss my thoughts about things I find confusing or amusing or interesting - also completely "random ass shit." Yet from time to time, as I plan to do now, I post something about myself. This time it is in "application" style. It was simply too funny not to complete. Enjoy.

The Application
Name (including aliases and nicknames)
Derek James Walden - D (my preferred nickname), Waldo, Big D, The Litigator, Producer, Kaffe, Jackass, etc. The list goes on and on, but those are the main ones.

Address
Yeah, its in the Contact section, but sufficive (although the dictionary denies it, that has got to be a word) to say I live in Oakley, a little neighborhood 6 miles NE of Cincinnati.

Age - Date of Birth
24, 3-23-81

Astrological Sign
Aries, which means I am a stubborn jackass (or so I've been told). Truthfully, I never put any faith in this stuff. Nonetheless, again I am told that other astrological signs I am compatible with are: None and which are compatible with me are: Few and Far Between.

Occupation
Stock broker. Hopefully law school will resume sometime within the remainder of my life so I can change that to Prosecutor or ADA.

Education
I got some, yes.

SAT Scores - for that matter --> any standardized testing scores
All my test scores have been good, and since this is an elaborate personal ad for myself, I have no problems sharing them.
SAT - 1280 (I think, I can never remember possibly 1380?)
ACT - 32 (I know that one)
LSAT - 162 (and this one)
So those weren't too bad, but watch this:
Undergraduate GPA: 2.75 OUCH! Yeah, I slept a lot in college.

Previous employment - ALL old jobs must be listed
I've had a lot of jobs, indeed too many to list here if I want anyone to continue reading. Best job was working as a Ranger at a Boy Scout camp in New Mexico. Worst job was making outbound calls at a marketing research firm. Job a girl would find most embarrassing (but which I loved) was working on a rollercoaster at Kings Island at the ripe old age of, wait for it, 23.

Jean Size - to ensure that no guy i ever date wears the same or a smaller size than me.
I used to wear a 32-34 in dress pants and a 34-34 in jeans, but since I started working a job where I sit on my ass all damn day, I think I would say 34 dress, 36 jeans.

3 non-male references (one must be an Ex) and these must be listed along with contact info for sisters.
Kate, Rhonda (an ex), and Beth. I have no sisters, but you could talk to Patrick, my brother. Second thought, let's pass on Pat.

Criminal history
Nothing yet, but we did file a police report against a roommate we called The Cow (Brad you remember that, destruction of property). Most everyone who knows me will confirm, I like the law. I respect the law. I'm not a big law breaker, save speeding. I never ever go the posted speed limit - I like to drive too much.

The Survey - it wouldn't necessarily have right or wrong answers. Instead, it would have Best answers, better answers, acceptable answers, bad answers, and worst answers ever.

1. 5 adjectives to describe yourself. (5 because 3 is too easy. Worst answers include any "adjectives" that aren't really adjectives.)
Leadershiptastic, Intelligentrified, Arrogantcockysonofabitchcadness, Outgoingful, Passionaterific

2. Favorite animal. (Or if you could be any animal, what animal would you be. Best Answer = Killer Whale - b/c that's what i would pick for either)
A toss up between an Eagle (so I could fly and eat seafood all day) and a North American Black Bear (having experiences with them, I just think they are bad ass).

3. Top 5 bands/musicians/singers. (Best Answers would include more than 5 bands. 5 here is too limiting. Both Best and Better answers would all include Pearl Jam, U2, and the Beatles. Worst would include any musician that doesn't play their own instruments. Or include Britney Spears).
While I don't really like U2 or (yuck) The Beatles, I will totally get on board with "musicians" who don't play a single instrument (or work towards perfecting their voice as an "instrument"). My favorite musicians would be: John Williams/The London Symphony Orchestra, Simon and Garfunkel, Metallica, The Eagles, Dashboard Confessional, Counting Crows, The Beach Boys, Sinatra, and Antonin Dvorak. Also, any classical music fan has to love Bach violin concertos, Stravinsky's Firebird suite, and any Sousa march. That was way more than 5.

4. Best concert you've ever been too. (Best answers are concerts i've also been too).
John Williams directing the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra at Blossom (it was a triple encore concert). That was simply amazing. But honestly, I don't go to many concerts. I have seen BNL, Blues Travel, Ray Lamontagne, and Gavin Degraw - all of which were great.

5. Favorite Book (the best answer is NOT catcher in the rye. Even though i love that book. that's too easy. Catcher in the Rye is like a cop-out answer. as is tuesdays with morrie or harry potter.)
Some day I will find a woman who agrees with me on this and we will live a long and happy life together, but so far, I am SOL. Cather in the Rye is undoubtedly the worst book ever written. So there that is. My favorite books are Atlas Shrugged and Inherit the Wind and The Republic.

6. Favorite Movie
Top 5 - Star Wars A New Hope, A Few Good Men, Batman, Aladdin, and Garden State.

7. Favorite Holiday. (Worst = Valentines. Bad = Christmas)
I don't really do holidays. Maybe Thanksgiving. Or Flag Day. Scratch that, how about any Saturday at Ohio Stadium in October and November.

8. Favorite teacher before Undergrad and why.
Mrs. Stagge in 7 and 8 grade because she always challenged me "think outside the box." I would also be remiss if I did not mention Ms. Schultz, who ran our gifted program and Student Council in grade school.

9. Perfect Meal.
Steak and potatoes with a good beer. Going in the opposite direction, the pan seared scallops at Cameron Mitchel's M never fail me; that is an immaculate dish. As a side note, Alex and I agree that if you are only allowed one food for the remainder of your life it should be pizza.

10. Favorite Color.
Blue. I am also partial to dark green and any shade of gray (in clothing).

D | 7/08/2005 03:12:00 AM |   Post your comment

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Comments:

Derek,

You say that you speed because you like to drive too much. But if you liked to drive, wouldn't you want to spend more time doing it, and therefore drive *slower* as to not arrive at your destination so quickly, and thus spend more time driving?

Ah-ha! I've got you there!
Craig | July 08, 2005 8:05 AM | permalink
 

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"Atlas Shrugged" is an awesome book but I personally prefer "The Fountainhead" just because it's a better story, and easier read, and more subtle in its message. Any thoughts?

There's no color like blue although would you say you wear more blue things than anything else? I feel like there should be another color as your favorite for clothes.

The real issue I have is what that girl wrote in parenthesis as acceptable and unacceptable answers. I think it points at a problem - she doesn't want anyone to be themselves. So I can't pick "Catcher in the Rye" because it's too easy? Who cares? If it's my favorite book it's my favorite book. And Thanksgiving is the worst holiday? Give me a break! It's the best holiday ever! Turkey and cranberry sauce is my mana. Although if I was Christian I know I'd like Christmas most (cue "The Lonely Jew on Christmas" from "South Park").

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I honestly see this as an epidmeic with girls who are itching to find "the one" ASAP. They come into relationships with expectations in all categories regarding how they want the guy to be, and as soon as the guy doesn't match their mold, they start getting annoyed and incapable of adapting to who he is. Granted if he ends up being a complete jerk, they have every right to be annoyed. But otherwise, you can't really expect someone to do, say, and act in the exact way you want. Wouldn't that be boring?
Ruvym | July 08, 2005 8:18 AM | permalink
 

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Ruvym,

I love the fountainhead - it's probably my favorite book. Possibly b/c it's one of the longest books I've ever read and one of the few where I naturally understood some of the underlying implications. Outstanding, truly outstanding.

As for your other thoughts, I have many to ramble about so I'm going to throw them on my blog. Feel free to check it out.

D, sorry I linked to my blog in yours, but I think it's relevant and I'll link to yours, yet again...
Chris Welter | July 08, 2005 9:13 AM | permalink
 

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D -

So am I a reference because this application was created by a friend of mine?

I'm totally going to post a link on her site to yours...

K
Kate | July 09, 2005 12:00 AM | permalink
 

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Unrelated comment:

How did my blog go from #4 on the read list to #5?!? I love you Ash, but I've been blogging longer. Fix it, D!

K
Kate | July 09, 2005 12:07 AM | permalink
 

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dude, the app was a joke! it was just a bitter response to some bad ex-bf behavior and lack of sleep. i can't believe you filled it out. funny stuff.
AJ | July 09, 2005 10:02 AM | permalink
 

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btw - is saying you find my lack of punctuation "frustratingly attractive" your way of saying "let's be friends"? because according to your survey we should get married and have 10 million babies. anyone who thinks football saturdays are the best holidays has got to be a keeper.
AJ | July 09, 2005 10:28 AM | permalink
 

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I have to correct something I said - Thanksgiving was not listed as the worst holiday, Valentine's Day was. That I can agree with, so we're cool.
Ruvym | July 09, 2005 11:33 AM | permalink
 

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ruvym- thanksgiving is actually my favorite holiday. i love days that center around football and food. also, i think D messed up the survey. the stuff in parentesis weren't suggested answers. they were how i would rate the app. for example, someone who wrote that their favorite band was pearl jam would score higher because that's my favorite band, and we would have more in common. get it?
AJ | July 09, 2005 1:05 PM | permalink
 

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D, now it's your turn to make an application form for your future girlfriends to fill out.
MCVRx07 | July 09, 2005 2:42 PM | permalink
 

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AJ, yeah I totally understand how the survey worked, I just used it as an excuse to go on a rant about women. Apologies for using you as a scapegoat.
Ruvym | July 09, 2005 5:46 PM | permalink
 

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D,
I just want to say how glad I am that somebody else didn't like Catcher in the Rye. I know all these people who are all, "Oh, Catcher in the Rye is soooooooo good," and I just wanted to punch Holden the whole time I was reading it. Not really sure what my favorite book is, but it's definitely NOT Cathcher. Take that, J.D. Salinger!
IrishBrooke | July 10, 2005 12:25 PM | permalink
 

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To all those who only read "Catcher" back in high school, I'd recommend reading it again. I read it a long time ago and hated it because I couldn't understand what Holden was always complaining about. But then I read it again a couple of years ago and you just understand so much more. So give it another chance if you haven't read it in a few years.
Ruvym | July 11, 2005 8:10 AM | permalink
 

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I must say... I'm honored to be the ex that was picked.
Thanks D.
Rho | July 11, 2005 9:19 PM | permalink
 

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