Quelters
D | Thursday, June 09, 2005

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One of my friends from college keeps a LiveJournal, which from time to time is truly hilarious. His name is Chris, but everyone calls him Welter (that's his last name and I have actually heard people say, "Who's Chris? Oh, you mean Welter?"). On his journal (go read it), he has the unique habit of making his point by asking odd , very odd, questions. Sometimes he just writes things down that make no sense at all. And other times, these are valid questions that everyone thinks, but no one says. From now on, I'm calling these completely random, yet often thought provoking inquires a "quelter" or multiples, "quelters" (that's [questions - stions] + [Welter - We], for those not pay attention, pronounced like "quell" plus "ter").

I've complied a sampling of some quelters. For example: Is peach cobbler some type of pie or a pleasant shoe repairman? or Ever wonder why aliens travel millions of miles just to look up peoples butts? or Why don't we just say appropriate, does apropos make me sound any more intelligent? or Is there any non-dirty way to use the term groping? or Would you call the president Alf? or Was crop squares not as catchy? or Why is 32 degrees an important number? or Is BO acceptable? or When are the dancing girls coming? or Do you really want to name your son Big? or Is that Joey from Blossom over there? or Is thinking about this a complete waste of time, or the equivalent of a mental benchpress? And those are just a few examples from the past month. He's crazy.

This post is a shout out to him and all his ridiculous questions he asks. I received a list of questions (quelters? some, perhaps yes) in a junk email. I am now answering some of them as a tribute to the "quelter" (which I just invented (can you really offer tribute to something you just created? I mean, doesn't it have to be around for some minimum amount of time? (look see, I just made my own quelter!))). Enjoy the answers and feel free to comment if you have something to add.

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
Chairs would all be like beach chairs, with long flat leg supports and our feet would just never hang towards the ground. I'm assuming only my knee bends backwards, not my hip joint. If that assumption is correct then you could kick yourself in the face (which might be something interesting).

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
That's a stupid question. That's like asking, "If ice cream is so great, why is chocolate syrup so popular?" Ok, maybe it's not quite like that, but my answer remains the same - just because something is great already, doesn't mean adding a little something extra wouldn't make it that much better. Besides - men like women, men like naked, or almost naked women, and women like to dress up and feel sexy - so everybody wins.

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
They integrated the non-stick surface into the metal of the pan. It doesn't stick to the pan, it is the pan.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
I don't know. What are people from Poland called? Forgotten, perhaps.

If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
Man, sometimes I just don't know. I think the answer to the question might be "Yes."

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
I did. Also there is something to be said for "going out while you're on top." It is called "grace" and "tact."

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
Oh, now that is fun-ny. Hi-sterical. Shut up.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
My question is, do the negotiators just wait for the other person to come back then take away the weapon? It's not likely that both personalities want to kill themselves, and if that were the case then it wouldn't be a hostage situation because they would both want to be killed. So do they just wait? Or do they ask for the other personality? "Um yes Jekyll, we know you want to kill yourself, but is Hyde available to speak with?"

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?
I dated an art major. I'm pretty sure that is based on the softness (or hardness) of the lead. No big mystery there.

If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
From a legal standpoint that answer is yes. My question is what if the person does not speak English? Are the cops required to put forth a good faith attempt to convey Miranda rights in some other language and if language doesn't work do they have to write it down or do charades or something? Not that - that would be funny.

If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
See, I didn't understand this question at first. I though "it" referred to the person being attacked and the question wanted to know if they acquired an electric charge (as in "is the person electrically charged by a battery")? And yes, now you see, the humor value was lost on me. But now I get it and the answer is No. Inanimate objects cannot be charged with crimes, although that would begin an interesting branch of law - Inanimate torts? You could sue your house if it collapses during a tornado and causes some damage. Neat.

If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
Not only that, but they wouldn't need to advertise on TV to get business. They could just call and tell you they knew your future and if you wanted to hear it, then it would be $3.75 a minute. There's an idea that would go straight to the Better Business Bureau.

D | 6/09/2005 01:09:00 PM | Post your comment

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Comments:

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck is a woodchuck could chuck wood?
 Ruvym | June 10, 2005 8:05 AM | permalink
 

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I am flattered, D. But most of all I'm glad that you have the same appreciation for "quelters" that I do.

I wonder, is the enegizer bunny an inanimate object? Isn't the point of their marketing campaign that the enegizer bunny is never stopping - or, always animated?

As for winners and quitters... What if you never quit and never win? Then are you just stupid?

More than anything, I'm enjoying the chair quelter. I will be thinking about that all day.
 Chris Welter | June 10, 2005 9:26 AM | permalink
 

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Still pondering the chair... would it matter? Could benches just be "u" shaped? Would your legs feel more comfortable straight up in the air in that case or laying flat? In this bizzaro world would you lower your ankle thus changing the R-I-C-E method to the R-I-C-D
(Rest, Ice, Compression, Descension?)
 Chris Welter | June 10, 2005 2:43 PM | permalink
 

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