Done
D | Monday, May 09, 2005

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Some people claim that there's a women to blame
But I know its my own damn fault

I've had that song lyric in my head all day today. I don't know...

I ended my friendship with Bernard today. So there that is.

I guess the reason I write here is 1. because this is my journal and it helps me keep track of the hills and valleys that make up the landscape of my life and 2. because I have a warning to disseminate to the rest of my readers: My friendship is not indestructible, it is not unbreakable, it is not without memory, and it is not never-ending. And this troubles me.

I would like to believe that family, love, and friendship are things in my life that will never die. But today I know, that in my case, this isn't true. And that's got me thinking, "Is there anyone in my life who no matter what happened, I would never walk away - someone who no mater how terrible the wrong they commit against me, I would turn the other check and forgive them?" I think the answer is "No." I love my friends and I love my parents, but I don't have to stretch my imagination too far to uncover situations where I would choose to terminate my relationship with any of these individuals if some series of unfortunate circumstances occurred. Today I ended a six year friendship. I can imagine situations where I strain the relationship with my mother or my brother; I can even imagine the divorce of a future wife. Obviously all of these situations are ones I wish to avoid at all costs, but from a purely logical standpoint they simply cannot be placed outside the realm of possibilities.

The only person I can think who I would never leave is my own child. I find it impossible to imagine leaving, abandoning, or giving up on my own offspring. But that's all.

And so I am opening it up for discussion. Is there something unique with my bass-ackwards personality that makes every person I've ever met dispensable to me? Is there anyone in your own life, who no mater what happened, you would never abandon?

D | 5/09/2005 06:33:00 PM |   Post your comment

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Comments:

"You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much." --Good Will Hunting
Anonymous | May 09, 2005 6:48 PM | permalink
 

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I agree entirely with that comment and its application to me.

But if you want to comment on how I've never really loved anyone or anything, how about attaching your name?
D | May 09, 2005 7:18 PM | permalink
 

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D--sometimes you can love something more than you love yourself and experience real loss. Say, for example, when a woman places her child for adoption because she loves the child more than is imaginable, and she wants the child to have everything it possibly can. That's a real loss. And that child is indispensable.

As for you, I don't think it's all that bad to be able to tell when a friendship or relationship is no longer benefiting you.
HM | May 09, 2005 8:43 PM | permalink
 

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An excellent point is made about giving your child up for adoption. I can totally see that point of view and I agree that if I were not the best environment for the child, I would want the child to have the best and I would be giving them up - very different from giving up on them. I would agree that some women who give up children for adoption to better homes love their children more than imaginable because they are putting the child first.

Great point.
D | May 09, 2005 9:30 PM | permalink
 

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It's okay, Derek. When it comes to relationships, loyalty has never been one of your strongest attributes. Could it be due to your attitude that there's always a cop-out (ie. divorce)? Working things out in a relationship is only necessary if you wish to preserve the relationship. The path you're taking is your choice, and it is very derek-esque.
Anonymous | May 09, 2005 11:13 PM | permalink
 

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I'm very curious to know what happened, although obviously that's probably incredibly private. I don't know your personality that well so it's hard to comment with how you dealt with it, but I agree with the last comment to some degree (the anonymous one - what's with all these people being afraid to say who they are). Some relationships, friendship or otherwise, deserve a chance to be worked out, talked about, etc. This is of course provided that whoever fucked up is incredibly sorry for what they did and really try to redeem themselves. To shun someone you care about that has shown real remorse is wrong, unless there's no way you can ever see yourself forgiving them.

I'm not going to say you "don't know loss," because it's all relative. So because you never lost a child means you don't know what "real lose" is? I totally disagree. We all all react differently to different situations and it's no one's right to comment whether or not those situations are intense enough to warrant the way we react to them.

The bottom line - if the person is important enough to you, and they want to work things out, give them a chance.
Ruvym | May 09, 2005 11:27 PM | permalink
 

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People will let you down.


There's only one person who will never let you down - you can call him the exception that proves the rule. Under any circumstances he will be there. We're screwed up people. Good people try to love unconditionally, and some achieve it, but most of us, will walk away under the 'right' circumstances. Only one man didn't walk away - he walked to a cross.

(I wanted to throw a disclaimer here about being preachy, but I'm not sorry about talking about the only real truth I know - I'm only sorry it is as impersonal as a blog)

In any case, you're in my prayers D.
Chris Welter | May 10, 2005 12:07 AM | permalink
 

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I am sick and tired of people tearing me down and not signing your name. This is an open forum and I encourage people to present opposing points of view. Please feel free to tell me whatever you think, whenever you think it.

But if you have something to say, especially something negative - SIGN YOUR FUCKING NAME. And "derek-esque" is spelled with a capital D, you coward.

Ruvym and Welter - I will post a response soon. For now, thanks for reading and thanks for caring.
D | May 10, 2005 12:19 AM | permalink
 

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Try to focus less on the messenger and more on the message.
Anonymous | May 10, 2005 10:36 AM | permalink
 

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Derek, as I told you last night, while it's difficult and painful, sometimes, you have to walk away. And that's ok. I've walked away from one of my brothers. I probably haven't said above a dozen sentences to him in 4 or 5 years, and I'm ok with that. And I'm a loyal person. He isn't loyal, so I choose not to include him in my life. If things change, I will. Maybe someday things between you and Bernard will change, and you will include him in your life again. And if that never happens, don't sweat it. You've made a choice that you're entitled to, and no matter what any of your other readers say, it's ok.

Love you. ~K
Kate | May 10, 2005 6:22 PM | permalink
 

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Ruvym-
And what happens when the person isn't sorry? What should you do if the person made a choice knowing it would hurt you, knowing exactly what the reprecussions would be, and did it anyway? If they are not interested in respecting our friendship or respecting me, isn't it time to move on?
If you want to know more about what happened, you know my email.

Chris-
I knew that would be your answer. And I thought about responding to it in my original post, but decided against it. While I can appreciate the point for your life and the lives of many others, that is not something I chose to have in my life, therefore I don't count this as someone who I can never leave.
I do appreciate being in your prayers. Thank you.

Kate-
You're my girl and I always love your support. Thanks for backing up my choice and being there for me.
D | May 11, 2005 4:16 PM | permalink
 

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Why would you rather write about the situation on your blog than call me? Are you that afraid of confrontation? This passive-aggressive behavior doesn’t make you sound like a well-reasoned person. It makes you seem like an infant.

I understand you're upset. And that's fine. You're entitled to that. But the way that you’re dealing with it isn’t constructive.

Am I sorry for hurting you? Of course. Do I miss you? You know I do. But, here’s the thing, I don’t need to clear any decisions with you. Not because I don’t care about you, but because they’re my choices. Now you can continue to bitch on your blog or fucking call me. You know the number. I wait with bated breath.
Bernard | May 11, 2005 9:53 PM | permalink
 

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